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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each
other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across
a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog
admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them
six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a
crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well,
and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It
appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two
wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his
final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving
him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done,
and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr.
Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass
There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he
wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so
he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room
and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and
asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs.
Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to
his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full
of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his
raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up
to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''
Mounted Cop
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his
new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the
dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
Bishop And The Ass
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was
a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high
that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The
preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,
and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop
was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The
Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for
the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains,
and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS
IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
Bubble Blowing Duckies
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for
trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge
called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after
midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him
the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were
blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
Lonely Fishermen
What do you call a lonely fisherman?
A Master-Baiter.
Ducks and Elephants
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.
Barnyard Poem
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
Tarzan, King of the Elephant
Trunk
Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is
defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course,
Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye
of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while
later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no
like new wee-wee."
"Why's that?"
"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."
Not Going To Try This Again
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or
prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs
into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the
side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its
slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in
the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart
greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Parrot Talk
One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk
saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he
hears.''
''That's alright,'' the man replied.
So the man bought the parrot and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.
The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground
with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.
The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big
one, win a prize!''
The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Then they walked into a church and sat down.
The minister was in the middle of the sermon.
He said, ''The Lord is above us.''
The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''
The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''
Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked
and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.
The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Dragging Their Feet
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right
foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says,
Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
I'd Rather Have a Puppy
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs
having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The
father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little
boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The
little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”
Bullfight Buffet
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby
restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very
big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.
The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the
specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It
tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to
the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very
small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
The Rabbit and The Bear
A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into
a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He
sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone
should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if
they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the
forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a
crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash
helmet.
The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes
that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all
the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear
steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he
thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the
motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has
ever seen, he thinks to himself.
It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes
sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in
the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.
Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and
smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''
Get Away From my Deer!
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in
camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going
hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to
take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand
and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running
back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face
knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears
Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards
his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!”
followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says,
“Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
Who's That Dog?
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was
sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist
asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' As soon
as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and
then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust,
he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't
my dog.''
Mommy and Daddy Dearest
There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture
of a deer.
So the teacher asks Bobby, “What is this animal called?”
“I dunno,” claims Bobby.
So then she says, “I'll give you a hint—it's what your mother calls your
father.”
The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that's what a son of a bitch
looks like!”
Three Drunk Men
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got
at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew
chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Chores on the Farm
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done
your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and
feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished
he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking
cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and
feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a
plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my
eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I
saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now
you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his
mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"