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Ode to a Glow Worm
I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm's never glum.
It's hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!
Turtles and Picnics and a Minor
Tragedy
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the
picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the
picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff
out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they
forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and
retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by
the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go,
swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a
promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is
a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts
getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger
King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and
open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out
behind a rock.
"Just for that, I'm not going."
Meals on Wheels
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked
her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had
to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God
told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in
heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm
pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked
them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the
cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were
worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the
mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She
explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most
comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow
were the meals on wheels.
Heffahump
How do you stop a dog who's humping your leg?
Whack him off!
Turkey Rhythm
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had his own drumsticks!
Pop a Cap in the Lion's Gluts
There was this lion who had just eaten a bull,and he felt good. He felt so good
he opened his mouth and roared and roared. He roared until a hunter came along
and shot him.
The moral of the story is: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Giant Underwater Bottom Feeder
What weighs 2000 pounds and lays at the bottom of the ocean?
Moby's Dick!
Penguin & JFK, Jr.
What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They're both cute as hell and can't fly!
Froggie Proposal
A man had a very small penis, so he went to a witch to make it longer. She said,
“Go into the forest and ask the toad there to marry you, each time it says no,
your penis will grow one inch.” Happy, the man ran to the forest and started
yelling, “Froggie, Froggie, will you marry me?” The frog, of course, replied,
“No,” andthe man's penis grew one inch. So he repeated this again, “Froggie,
Froggie, will you marry me?” The frog yelled back, “NO!”
After a couple times more, the frog was getting mad, but the man decided one
more time and one more inch wouldn't hurt, so he yelled again, “Froggie, Froggie,
will you marry me?” And the exasperated frog said, “I've told you onceand I've
told you a million times, no!”
Fishy
A fish hit its head on a cement wall.
"Dam."
How To Clean A Cat
1. Throughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids
lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You
may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any
part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for
any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''powerwash and rinse''
which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he
will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog
Mad Cow!
There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, ''So what do you think of
mad cow disease?'' The other replies, ''I dunno, I'm a chicken.''
Kangaphant
What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
Giant holes all over Africa!
I Didn't Know They Had Hats
Why do dinosaurs have to wear hats?
So their wives know which end to kiss!
Racoon Joke
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He didn't, he got hit by a car.
Yo mama's So Ugly
Yo' mama so ugly, it takes her a half hour to walk a block -- 'cause she stops
at all the hydrants!
The Little Fire Engine
A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the
street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever.
Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a
consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street
noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know,
son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's
neck.''
The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''
Man Catches Crocodile
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let
me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls
could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.
Skipped Church Lately?
One day this Preacher decided that he would skip church and go hunting.
When in the woods he came upon a bear. He started running, and he ran for a
while until all of a sudden he tripped over a tree root. At this moment he was
almost face to face with the bear. He dropped to his knees and said, ''Dear
Lord, if there is one wish I would want for you to give me it would be to make
this bear a Christian.''
And at that instant…the bear halted to a stop and dropped to his knees and said,
''Dear Lord, thank you for the food I am about to receive!''