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I think that I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
This dog is acting bad
While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the
bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom
all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"
To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for
his bottom, so I can kick him."
Cat technical support problems
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and
service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a
print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big
bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.
Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come
quick!"
When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds,
scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were
running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck
it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in!
Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came
close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near
the machine.
Investigating a terrible
accident
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the
accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The
police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to
interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with
gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around;
meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay,
were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were
talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was
driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!
Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
A: To invent the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
A: To bankrupt the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.
Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.
Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.
Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the
pause.
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.
Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!
Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for
help.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
A: He pull out his Diners' Club card.
Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A: A giraffic jam.
Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned
Your Internet Password
9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Nine things dogs don't
understand
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and
feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.
Buy alligator shoes
A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to
buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices,
and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level,
ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill
my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out
for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears,
standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at
that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The
guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.
Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear
and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together
the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This
one doesn't have any shoes either!".
Cow on train tracks
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a
halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow
again?"
Two angry neighbors
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades.
Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one
whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After
about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all
the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
Ten Signs That You're At A Bad
Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are
mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team
during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of
Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort
of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
Sounds of the Wild
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest
voice replied, "Bud."
Giving Cats Pills
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil
wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to
buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just
visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to
take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg
of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth
open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill
down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
Feline Physics Laws
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside
force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to
change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the
darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which
case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just
taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the
cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has
anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of
human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do
something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore,
use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take
out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any
given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the
amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the
furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of
an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk
consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a
human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
The Feline Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people.
For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new
Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat
like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and
lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same
lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you
not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what
constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost
more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food;
look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall
for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the
cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing.
Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat
it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece
of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the
remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto
the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the
newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the
dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the
middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and
catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works
well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room
rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints
across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl
when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum
appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your
down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead
before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your
own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs,
wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and
all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your
spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor
several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is
especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and
leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
Dogs and Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not
one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time
he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it's yours.
Horses at the Race
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to
remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to
shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that,
you'll be fine.''
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race
begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's
ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed,
whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse
crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,''
and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over
the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to
the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,
''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or
something?''
The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''
Installing a Carpet
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to
himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his
pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
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