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Goose Hunting
So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in
his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector
walks up.
"Sir, can I please see that bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the
bag over.
The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger
up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose,
do you have a Virginia Hunting License?"
The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the
inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out
another goose.
He sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you
have a Maine Hunting License?"
The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to
the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine
and says, "This here is a Rhode Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting
License?"
The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts
it back in.
"Boy," you having all these licenses, where you from?" asks the Inspector.
The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?"
One-Eyed Blonde
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one
eye!''
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''
Bull Grapevine
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet
another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our
differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know
where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of
mine.
Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years
and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him,
run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS.
Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me
have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am
young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the
middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took
toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I
was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new
friend.
Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the
opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument.
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the
dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of
your cows and live to tell about it.
Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a
bull.
Carrots
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Bar... Monkey
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off
the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he
jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his
mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight,
the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man
is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is
disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass,
pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in
sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Two Blondes and a Camel
Every day two blonde women would come out of work together and look for their
car. But all the cars in the lot looked the same, so they sat around until all
the cars were gone and then they would get in the last car and go home. One
blonde said to the other, ''We need to find a faster way to get home.'' So the
next day they went to work on a camel. After work they came out and the parking
lot was full of camels. So the first blonde went around lifting up the tails of
all the camels. The second blonde said, ''What are you doing?'' The first blonde
said, ''When we came in today I heard someone yell "'Look at those two assholes
on that camel!!'"
Little Nancy's Pet
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over
the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just
buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't
it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's
inside your stupid cat."
Big Testicles
A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks
around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two
gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the
man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are
bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to
the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the
waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he
can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the
restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he
notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter,
and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull
wins''.
Dog Train
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a
supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his
feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for
two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British
lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody
Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He
walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found
himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog
if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only
rude you are arrogant too."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady,
I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest
for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady
replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it
out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed
Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you
or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on
the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand,and now you
have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
Fish On The Wall
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
Dam!
Dangerous Squirrels
A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever
hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told
Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet.
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had
happened. Joe said “There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I
never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I
never screamed.”
“So then what did make you scream,” Bob asked, exasperated.
“Well,” Joe continued, “two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them
say, ‘Should we take them home or eat 'em now?’”
Who Let The Blondes Out?
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of
genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high
prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch
yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps,
set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a
huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the
creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in
amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and
frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Walkin' in a Doggie Wonderland
(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)
Dogs tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, not white -- I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."
Rooster in His Declining Years
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current
rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the
farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from
the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old
rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about
being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't
you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the
better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house
over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to
have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more
than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start
of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens
gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old
rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still
hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each
time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his
shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his
chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the
henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes
his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Love Stinks
What happened to the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart.
The Tale Of The Three Holes
This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees
this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.
"Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into
the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course,
he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by
screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in
the third hole.
"What are in these holes?" the guy screams.
"Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of
them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five
gallons."
Parrot-Prostitutes
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots,
and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're
prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two
female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots
whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to
stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise
and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His
two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage.
The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The
females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those
beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
The Duck and the Condom
Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make
love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to
room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
Bear and Rabbit
Once there was a bear taking a dump in the forest. A rabbit walks by and the
bear says, ''Hey rabbit, does poo stick to your fur?"
''No,'' says rabbit.
"That's great!" says bear.
And bear picks up rabbit and wipes his butt with him.