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Condom Dog
A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk
asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little
plastic baggies!"
Teacher's Pet
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their
teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said,
"I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up,
shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and
saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
Comfortable
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately,
after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank
from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed
their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon
leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to
drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does
want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After
paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my
sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's
just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that
she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few
minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
The Smartest Dog Ever
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly
closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look
both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable
and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and
looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After
awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher
follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the
path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this
again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden,
beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big
guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's
a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's
forgotten his key!"
Bovine Hijinx
What do cows do for fun?
They go to MOO-vies!
Lion, Tiger, Lawyer, Elevator
Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a
gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead.
Two Blondes and Two Mice
There were two blondes as roommates and they both bought mice. When they got
home the first blonde said, "How are we going to tell them apart?"
The second blonde said, "Why don't we take one and chop off one of its legs?"
But during the night the mouse with four legs said to the mouse with three legs,
''That's not fair -- I want three legs too.'' So the mouse with three legs told
him to eat one of his legs. And so he did.
The next morning the blondes were upset about this so they did the same thing as
the day before. But again the mouse with three legs ate one of his legs. This
went on until both mice had no tails and legs. Then one of the blondes shouted,
''All right, that's it! You take the black one and I'll take the white one!''
Chicken Wire & Duct Tape
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey
boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs
and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging
behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy
walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by,
trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in
it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a
long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
The Naked Truth
This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home
early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom
to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the
bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.
He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?''
Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''
The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''
Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''
The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll
be back in a flash!''
The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom.
When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and
clapping.
The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''
He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a
problem with moths.''
The husband looks him over and says,''But you're naked.''
The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.''
Dinosaur St.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
Golfer Goes to the Emergency
Room
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and
lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right
in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
Mighty Mouse
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night
trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a
scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second
mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my
foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times
to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks
the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well,
when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a
powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for
the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third
mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for
this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
The Ant
Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?
A. Because he was pissed off!
Vet
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet
rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the
examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and
not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down
next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet
looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead
too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to
tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he
owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Yo mama's So Stupid...Penguin
Yo mama is so stupid she went to the Empire State Building, threw off a penguin
and yelled, ''Fly! Fly!!''
Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're
really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said
"Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into
the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store
manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't
say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey,
lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know."
Farmer Joe and his Mule
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the
trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie
into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge
was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across
the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in
such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Jesus & the Robber
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching
you!''while he rumagged through the desk. He replied, ''Who said that?!'' Once
again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!''
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what
its name was. The parrot replied, ''Cornelius.'' The robber said, ''What kind of
a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!'' The parrot said, ''The same person
who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!''
The Lyin' King
What's the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?
One's an African lion, and the other's a lion African.
Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over
a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please
excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and
can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I
didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the
way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen
myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and
cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear
twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are
you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him,
and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold,
you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
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