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Gorilla Removal
A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree.
He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks
them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert.
When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of
handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?''
The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla
down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his
wrists.''
The man asks,''What is the gun for?''
The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''
The Teacher's Gift
It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for
their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you
know?"
“Just a lucky guess,” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box.
She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again
said, “Just a lucky guess.'”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a
box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the
boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her
tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.
Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.
He said happily, “A puppy!”
The Fly
Why did the fly fall off the toilet?
It got pissed off.
American in Mexico
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking
around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the
only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him
stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog.
The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and
says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
Who is Marylou?!?
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and
slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written
on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog
track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."
Froggy Woes
A man with a fifty inch penis goes to the doctor complaining that he can't get
any women. The doctor says, 'Well, I can't help you, but I know a witchdoctor
who can'. So the man goes to see the witchdoctor, and the witchdoctor tells the
man to go to the lake, and that when he gets there, he will see a magic frog.
All he has to do is ask the frog to marry him. When the frog says 'no', his
penis will shrink ten inches.
So, the man goes to the lake and sees the frog. 'Frog,' the man says, 'will you
marry me?'
'No!' says the frog.
Suddenly, his penis was only forty inches long.
Well, that's good, but I need it shorter, the man thinks to himself. Once again,
he asks the frog, and his penis shrinks ten inches. Now he is down to thirty
inches. That's pretty good, but it could be a little shorter, he thought. So the
man asks the frog to marry him, and in a furious rage the frog answews ' for the
last time! NO! NO! NO!'
Bug's Mind
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
It's ass.
Monkey in a Tree
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Donkey and Onion
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
Gorilla Control
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on
his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls
up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He
hands the man the gun.
''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the
gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this
little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''
''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''
''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog.''
Beer Nuts vs. Deer Nuts
How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck
Baboon Face
Hey, what are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back?
Bone Diggers
What do dogs and women have in common?
They both like 12-inch bones.
Proverbs
''Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.''
''Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone!''
''Man who run behind car get exhausted''
''Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day''
''Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.''
''Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok''
''Man with one chopstick go hungry.''
''Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.''
''Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.''
''Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!''
''Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.''
''War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.''
''Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.''
''Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.''
''Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!''
''Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!''
''It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.''
''Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!''
''Man who sit on tack get point!''
''Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!''
''Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.''
''He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.''
''Man who farts in church sits in own pew.''
''Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion''.
''Crowded elevator smells different to midget."
Gator Bite
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his
mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer.
''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise not to hit me on the
head with the beer bottle."
The Train, the Soldier and the
Poodle
After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front.
He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty
one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it. He said,
“Please, madam, I'm very tired. May I please sit here?” The lady replied, “No.
My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”
The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back
to the same seat next to the same woman and said, “Please, Madam, I have been
fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I'm very tired. May I please
sit here?” The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have
already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.” At that,
the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.
An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American
soldier and said, “You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong
side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you've thrown the wrong
bitch out of the window!”
Black And White
What's black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra!
Statue Fantasy
An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One
statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends
of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace.
The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions
until he got an idea.
He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to
bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran
up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that
they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said,
''Go off and experience with each other whatever you've wanted to do for all
these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears
off.''
Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great
pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the
two statues came walking back to him.
The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ''For over a hundred years you both have
bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only
fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before
you lose your only chance!''
With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ''The old man's
right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I'll crap on them!''
You're So Fat
You're so fat that when you went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.
Three Little Ducks
A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool,
he looks up at the bartender and says, “Could you mind my ducks while I go use
the phone?” The bartender is puzzled, but he doesn't see a problem and agrees to
look after the three little ducks.
When the owner of the ducks leaves, the bartender says to the first duck “What's
your name?” The duck says, ''My name is Huey.'' And the bartender, an affable
fellow, especially around ducks, says, “Hello Huey, how has your day been?” “My
day's been great,” answers the duck, “I've been slipping in and out of puddles
all day.”
Satisfied, the bartender moves to the next duck and asks the same questions. The
second duck replies, “My name is Dewey and I've had a great day; I've been
slipping in and out of puddles all day.” The bartender says, ''That sounds
nice.''
With this the bartender moved to the third duck and thinks to himself about the
first ducks' responses, then says to the third duck, “Don't tell me -- your
name's Louie and you've been slipping in and out of puddles all day too.” To
which the duck replies, “No. My name's Puddles, and I've had a shit of a day.”