HOME
Lucky Frog
I decided to take a day off from work and go golfing. I was on the fourth hole,
when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention
until I heard, ''Ribbit. Nine iron.''
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a nine
iron, and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazing! So I picked up the frog and headed to the
fifth hole. I asked the frog what club to used and it said, ''Ribbit. Three
wood.'' I used that club and sunk another hole-in-one! I continued an amazing
round of golf. At the end, I asked the frog where we should go next. ''Ribbit.
Vegas.''
So we went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. ''Ribbit.
Roulette.''
So we went up to the roulette table, and I asked the frog how much I should
wager. ''Ribbit. Three thousand dollars.''
It was a lot of money, but I ponied up anyway. Needless to say, I won big! I
took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. Once we were up there, I
asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. ''Ribbit. Kiss
me.''
I figured, what the hell, it's just a frog. So I kissed the frog, and it turned
into a 15-year old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, and if I'm lying,
my name's not William Jefferson Clinton.
Blonde Counting Sheep
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She
stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can
count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around
her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow --
you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself
out a sheep."
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him.
"Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you
said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my
dog."
The Facts of Life
A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son
turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son
I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are
doing is…”
The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He
tries again, “Son them two dogs are…” He stops again and decides to wait until
the boy is older.
“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on
the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You're
right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do
you know why that is, son?”
The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get
screwed.”
Blondog
Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
From chasing parked cars!
The Golden Mug
A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on a shelf above the bartender and
it said “Win this...free beer for LIFE!” The man walked up to the bartender and
asked “how do I win this golden mug?” The bartender replied, “See that drunken
man over there? Knock him out in one punch. See that dog? He has a toothache but
noone can get the tooth out. Take the tooth out. See that old lady? She hasn't
been screwed in a while so...screw her.”
The man walks over to the drunk man and knocks him out with one punch. Then, he
goes over to the dog and brings him into the back alley. The bartender hears
some noises and then the man comes back in with a pair of pliers and says,
“Where's the old lady with a toothache?”
Dog vs. Fox
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.
Chicken...Underwear
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces!
Dubya, Cheney & Jumbo
George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group
of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud
shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!"
Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.
The Three Ugly Ducklings
One day in a small redneck town in the middle of nowhere sat a lonely bartender
in an empty bar. As he was getting ready to close down, three ducks walked
through the front doors. They waddled on over to the bar and grabbed a stool.
The bartender walked over them looked at the first duck and said, ''How was your
day?''
''Not too bad, since I was in and out of puddles all day,'' replied the duck.
''What is your name?'' the bartender asked.
''Hewy, and I'll have a beer.''
The bartender asks the next duck the same question and gets the same answer,
that his day was pretty good because he was in and out of puddles all day, and
his name was Dewy.
The bartender looks at the third duck and says, ''Let me guess your name is Lewy''
The duck looked up at him with a tired look on his face and said, ''My name is
puddles, and don't ask me how my bloody day was!''
Roy the Rooster
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him
if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all
your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow,
okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and
yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose
at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the
air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
Cow Pat Lip Gloss
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff
watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted
and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his
horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He
dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging
doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
The Pheasant, The Bull, and
Moralizing
There was once an old pheasant who was chatting with a bull. The pheasant said,
''I would love to get on top of that yonder tree, but I haven't got the
energy''.
''Well,'' said the bull, ''why don't you eat some of my dung? It's packed with
nutrients.''
So the pheasant ate some dung and found that it gave him enough energy to get to
the first branch. The next day, he ate some more and it gave him the energy to
get to the next branch. This cycle continued for a week. Finally, the pheasant
was at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by the farmer who ran into
the barn, came out with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Bullshit might take you to the top but it won't keep you
there.
Elephant and Rhino
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Answer: ell-if-i-no (Hell if I know)
Blondes and Turtles
What do turtles and blondes have in common?
If they're on their back, they're screwed!
Penguin and The Mechanic
Once there was a penguin whose car broke down. He took it in to get it serviced,
and while it was being worked on, he went shopping.
He returned later that day to see what had happened to his car, and the mechanic
told him, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin, chuckling, and wiping his beak replied, "No, I've just eaten some
ice-
Shoot The Pig
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes
he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road
and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should
I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when
it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a
bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
Whale Hijinx
Two whales are swimming along one day, bored. One whale spots a ship and
suggests to the other, "Hey, why don''t we swim under that boat, and spurt out
water so it tips over?"
"Well," says the other whale, "I''ll give it a blow job, but I refuse to swallow
any sea men!"
Yo Mama's So Fat... Zoo
Your Mama is so fat that when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts
at her.
Elephant and Man
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
''It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?''