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Pig-ipede
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs!
One Chicken, One Road, Many
Reasons
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good of man.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that
it would be a martyr.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly
competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the
client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen
helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support
of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens
along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry
to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with
each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like
setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market
message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This
was conducive towards the creation of a total business.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken
'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did
NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the
place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather,
it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our
haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that
chicken.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we
smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!
The Christmas Parrot
A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a
parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells
him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put
a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match
under its left foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”
The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it
for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will
happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot
starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”
The Praying Parrot
A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was
very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross
its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to
the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman
was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My
son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature
I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he
would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his
parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they
placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped
up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been
praying for!!''
Smart Blonde
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
BMW & a Porcupine
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Blonde & Turtle
Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: They're both screwed on their back.
Punk 'n' Parrot
One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red,
green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring
at him.
"What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"
"Yeah. I screwed a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"
Obnoxious Parrot on an Airplane
A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped
into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round,
and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "And get me a
whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but
forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately
drains its glass and yells "And get me another whisky you bitch!"
Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the
parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to
try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, go and get
it or I'll give you a slap!"
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take
them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the
plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't
fly, you're a lippy bastard!!".
Penguin Delivery Service
One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van
stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads
with the bus driver to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of
penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen
penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo
to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he sees the bus
driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns
his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto
the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100
dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!"
"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change
left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"
Doe in the Woods
Q: What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?
A: I'll never do that for two bucks again.
Water On The Inside
Q. If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
A. K9P
Turn On Your Energizer Bunny
What happens when you put the batteries in BACKWARDS in the Energizer Bunny?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Planet of the Apes: Secrets
Revealed
* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that humans are not only "as
innovative as they are cruel," but pretty vain as well.
* Wahlberg's neglect in removing his shirt through the entire film reveals his
kinship with the teen demographic: BACKNE SUFFERERS.
* Fox Marketing Department determined that the ideal garment for a young ape's
human pet is a peach-colored dress.
* All inflamed baboon buttocks in the film were edited out.
* Most extras were actually disgruntled gorillas out of work since the movie
"Congo."
* Kris Kristofferson's surly acting style is a result of the neverending pain of
"Millenium"’s failure at the box office.
* The imagery of the Ape army’s red tents taken straight from biblical writings
dealing with how women were separated from the tribe during their periods.
(Charlton Heston’s idea.)
* Helena Bonham Carter's clothing came under-budget through some seamstress'
creativity and Rue McClanahan's wardrobe. Her wildly trendy haircut however,
accounted for %15 of the film’s budget.
* According to ape acting union, the "Ape" Lincoln Memorial had to be scrubbed
down with monkey feces in order to get rid of foul human odor.
The Creation of Man
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from
dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack
intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me
no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the
dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his
table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from
tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20
years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is
too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being
that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the
creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please,
Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused,
and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like
a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.
Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to
amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so.
Mouse Hole
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a
friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the
same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in
their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means
getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm
having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."
The Aging Explorer
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary
explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening
experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of
India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me.
Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us.
I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt
toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
Cricket
If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other
hand, what would I have?
A bloody big cricket.
What Sex is Polly?
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She
calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all
would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what
comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out
a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one
look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at
it, too."
Gorilla Chase!
There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But
eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his
next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed
his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never
ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for
a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with
it."
Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he
still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy
and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and
very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it
turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front
door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving
right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours
until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and
began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden,
and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him
beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark
and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then,
suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the
gorilla!
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel
faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand
and said, "Tag! You're it!"