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I Guess That's Fair
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag
labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will
you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of
'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
Clinton Hijinx
Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a
pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I
got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"
Got Any Grapes?
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes.
The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has
never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a
little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender
begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you
ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
Fish says, "Duuuuude!"
What does a fish use to get high?
Seaweed!
How To Bathe A Cat
I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern
for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage
by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he
can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more
than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and
close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple
shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower
curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your
body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect
yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a
pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a
long-sleeved flak jacket.
III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply
carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire.
They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single
liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the
glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have
begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is
radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three
seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him
another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall
back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats
is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be
the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat
is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with
what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is
semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with
your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing
you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After
all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down
and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a
lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and
develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he
is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to
get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to
give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better
Jesus Is Gonna Get You
A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard
a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the
parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."
You Can't Teach An Old Cat
What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?
An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!
Some Things You Just CAN'T
One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest
thing in the bar.
"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.
''Some things you just can't explain."
''Try me.''
"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the
top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some
string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow
knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her
right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail.
But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up
with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''
"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."
Nasty Eskimo
A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire.
So the man said, “You blow a seal?”
And the Eskimo responded “No. That''s just frost on my mustache.”
Cat in the Way
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman
who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did
not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her
surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She
tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the
same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she
reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them
said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Blonde and Prawn
What do blondes and shrimps have in common?
Their heads are full of shit, but the pink bits are nice.
Nerd Season
A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one
night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull
over.
On aproaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.
He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his
face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, I'm a truck driver,” he
replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar
and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a
plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out
his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the
trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “It's nerd season.”
“Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've
opened up nerd season.” So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes
back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid
becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard.
His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out
of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they
can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the
bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts
picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his
arms screaming, “STOP! STOP!”
“What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season?”
“Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you can't bait 'em!”
Bunnies and Carrots
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots???
A: Bunny farts!
Dumb Crooks Roundup
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in
Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports
bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was
flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned his petty theft into a
felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago,
Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life
without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for
shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a
pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the
man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but
changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops
ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons
violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence
for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a
violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away
for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's
injury is punishment enough.
HEY -- WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?
A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store
in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passereby he was going to rob the
store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide
his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the
store... and called the police.
OOPS! OF THE WEEK
A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're
going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original
owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John
Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an
assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen
in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant -- where cops
found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The
owner of the second restaurant was arrested.
I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!
During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a
camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each
other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film
out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men
apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that
stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a
computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects
were quickly arrested.
I THOUGHT THIS'D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY'D LOOK...!
A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he
blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut
cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He
had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police
called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints,
and served him with an arrest warrant instead.
AND FINALLY...
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that
Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is
available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus,
killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He
nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train,
killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him
to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the
trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."
The History of Cinco de Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured
in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of
call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the
largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know,
the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank,
and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about
mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the
loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,
which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each
year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Bull
What is another name for a masturbating bull?
Beef Strokinoff.
Four Men and Their Dogs
Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were
bragging about how smart their dogs were.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,
"Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was
good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government
Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the
paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing
so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's
Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Don't Welsh On Me
Why do the Welsh shag sheep on cliff edges?
So the sheep push back harder!
Christmas Carol Parrot
A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into
a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very
beautiful parrot.
"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"
"Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his
right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match
under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"
"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night,
the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.
"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man
smiled and said, "Watch this."
Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the
parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left
foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'
"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.
"I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it
between the bird's legs.
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When
he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.
The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the
cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to
me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof
and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said
that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I
called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."