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Pregnant Tree
How does a tree get pregnant?
By a woodpecker!
The Magician and the Parrot
A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The
parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up his
sleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on
a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other.
Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you
do with the ship?”
Rectum
Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."
"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"
Football Fan To The Rescue
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid
rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence,
wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his
notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do
you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck
Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
Wizard of Toad
There once was a toad that was excluded from all Green Toad activities because
he was a handsome shade of yellow. So he went to visit a beautiful fairy in the
town over who had the power to grant wishes.
"Fairy," he said. "I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other
toads."
"Granted!" said the fairy, who turned him yellow. Unfortunately, his little
toady penis was still yellow.
"What about my penis?" he asked the fairy.
"Oh! For that, you'll have to go see the wizard." And so the toad hopped off to
find the wizard. Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be
turned gray. She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his penis was
still pink. So she told him to visit the wizard.
"How do I find the wizard?" he asked.
"Just follow the yellow dick toad."
You Might Be A Redneck...Bambi
You might be a redneck if ''Bambi'' made you hungry for rabbit!
Sheep Boy
A man that lives on a farm wakes up and goes outside to find a man screwing one
of his sheep and a little boy watching. He walks up to the boy and says ''Who's
that screwing my sheep?'' The boy replies, ''That's my Daaaaaaaad.''
Pig!
A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the
same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes
into a pig in the middle of the road.
Cows In Government
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations
say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them,
and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell
you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it
takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Hillbilly Animal Etiquette
What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?
They both lick their paws.
Safe Elephant Sex
How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage?
All your Hefty Bags are missing.
Mrs. Andrews & Her Lost Love
Mrs. Andrews named her cat Love because it was so affectionate. One day, when
Love failed to return home, Mrs. Andrews went out to look for her lost cat.
Since she was wearing nothing but a bathrobe, a police officer stopped her and
asked, “What are you doing?” Mrs. Andrews replied, “I was out here looking for
Love.” The police officer arrested her on the spot.
Throwing Stuff Down A Mineshaft
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft
going straight down into the ground.
"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"
"I dunno," said the second.
"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and
waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.
"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a
watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but
didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw
down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped
down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked
between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up
the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.
"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped
down this hole."
"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was
tied to an old railroad tie."
Zebra Definition
What is a Zebra?
A Z-bra is 25 sizes bigger than an A-bra.
The Cross-Eyed Cow
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his
cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who
told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up
the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.
The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the
farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired
hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his
lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked
his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it
around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
Chicken Engineering at Its
Finest
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from ''Feathers,''
the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the
following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing
the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a
dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane
flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test
impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a
windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed
the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken
not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke
an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The
British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything
was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use a thawed
chicken.''
Frog on the Lady's Head
A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the doctor's office. When the
doctor asked her what's wrong the frog says, “I got something stuck to my ass!”
Hedgehog, Giraffe, Dental
Hygeine
Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog?
A: A six-foot toothbrush.
Three Dumb Hunters
Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck.
He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he
did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."
So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask
him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."
So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and
totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see
tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"
Seagull's Final Resting Place
A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull
lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, ''Dad, what happened to the
birdie?''
His dad told him, ''Son, the bird died and went to heaven.''
Then the boy asked, ''Did God throw him back down?''