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Sleeping Squirrel
Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm!
Panda Bear
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves
the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear
tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in
the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''
Horny Toad
What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
One goes "Ribbit" and the other goes "Rubbit."
Birdie Poem
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
What, Exactly, Are Cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
Farmer and the Cow
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things
you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the
bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left
to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot,
so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his
with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and
well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
Jumping Rope
Two teenagers were walking through a park when they saw two rabbits getting it
on, fast and furious.
"What are they doing?" asked the girl.
"They're jumping rope," said the boy. "Maybe I'll teach you how someday."
"I think I want you to teach me now," said the girl. So the two went behind some
bushes and started getting it on. When the boy had his pants down, the girl
asked what that was behind his "rope."
"That," said the boy, "that's my knot."
"Well," said the girl, "untie the knot and give me some more rope."
Bar... Duckman
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help
you, sir?"
The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."
Sheep Soup
There was a man with a restaurant near a construction site. The construction
workers usually had their lunches in there, their favourite meal being beef
soup.
But one day the chef ran out of meat and in his panicked state he ran out the
door in the hope of finding a ride to town. After noticing that there was no
vehicles nearby he sadly started walking back to his restaurant. Upon nearing
the construction site he saw a sheep tied up on a pole nearby. He was so happy
that he untied the sheep and proceeded to his place.
At lunchtime the construction workers walked in and ordered their favorite soup.
During the meal, the guys started exclaiming in delite that the soup tasted
extremely good today and asked what was the reason for that. The chef was
pleased and proceeded to tell them about his predicament. Everyone stopped
eating with a dazed look on their faces.
The chef asked, "What's the matter boys, did I screw up the cooking?"
"No." replied the foreman of the construction team, "you cooked up the
screwing."
Old Granny and Dog
There was an old lady and her dog who lived on the coast.
Every day she and the dog would take a stroll along the beach. One day she
stumbled across a bottle. She rubbed the bottle and a genie popped out, who said
“You have three wishes.” The old granny said “I want a million dollars.” Within
moments, she was sitting on a pile of cash.
Then she said, “I want my old house to become a mansion.” Immediately, her house
became a palace. Then she made her last wish: “I want to become a beautiful
young lady and my dog to be my handsome young husband.” “Done,” the genie said
and, as the lady and her dog were transformed, the genie disappeared.
The woman took her things and went home. Then she hopped into bed and took her
new, handsome husband with her. Then he turned to her and said, “Now aren't you
thrilled you had me neutered?”
Beethoven's Chicken
Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying ''Bach, Bach, Bach...''
Rabid Dogs are Useful
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive
by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man
walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in
single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who
was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied.
“I'm sorry,” said Bill, “what happened to her?”
“My dog bit her and she died.” Bill then asked the man who was in the second
hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
well.”
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow
your dog?”
To which the man replied, “Get in line.”
Silent Bunny Humping
Why don't rabbits make noise when they're making love?
Because they have cotton balls!
Name That Animal, Kids
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher
held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what
your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
Holy Moley
How Does a dummy kill a mole?
He buries it.
Turtle Sexuality
What do you call a turtle with an erection?
A slow poke!
Return the Dog
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for
themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird
hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a
well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods
to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just
didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the
blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw
him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the
store!”
Sons Devoted to Mom
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well
for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each
had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that
can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.
"Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have
to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go
anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The
chicken was delicious."
Big Noses
Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?
A: Because they have big fingers