HOME
Answering machine message 41
US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice: Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh,
ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf
of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you
right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the
uhhhhhh... BEEP.
Answering machine message 42
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your
name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
Answering machine message 43
Militaristic mechanical voice: FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL.
KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.
Answering machine message 44
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage
Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon
as we can. And have a nice day.
Answering machine message 45
You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center.
Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR
Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
incoming, non-urgent.
Answering machine message 46
Theme music from James Bond: Hello. My name is David, code number
324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission
involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and
should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!
Answering machine message 47
Clint Eastwood voice: Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.
Answering machine message 48
To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to
speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Theme music from Batman; reduce to
background.) As you can see, I'm off making Montreal a safer place' to live. So
if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as
justice is served. Bye-bye! (Music continues. POW, BIFF.)
Answering machine message 49
In Joe Friday voice: This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security
and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under
investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To
facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number,
a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past,
with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
Answering machine message 50
Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks that he/she
accidentally dialed long distance.
Answering machine message 51
Annoying flute music in background: Good day, Jim. Your contact,
Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it,
is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will
self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
Answering machine message 52
"I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not
home; leave a message."
Answering machine message 53
This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a
date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and
computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you.
He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you
back. Deal with it.
Answering machine message 54
Imitating Mr. Rogers: Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe
right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when
you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.
Answering machine message 55
English accent: Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I
can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt!
I'll call you back when I get better.
Answering machine message 56
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right
now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Answering machine message 57
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your
name and number, I'll be right with you.
Answering machine message 58
E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your
name and number, and prepare to die.
Answering machine message 59
Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of Enemies.
Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message saying who you are, what
you want to argue about, and where you'll be, and I'll be there.
Answering machine message 60
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your
name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's
word is "supercilious".
Answering machine message 61
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not
here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the
tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember,
confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic
detail!
Answering machine message 62
Gregorian chants in background; serene voice: Hello, Brother or
Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at
Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name,
number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to
return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
Answering machine message 63
Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are
busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and
someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over.
Answering machine message 64
To scare off annoying liberals: Hello, and thank you for calling the
Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in
all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would
like to leave a message...
Answering machine message 65
You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are
busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as
soon as possible.
Answering machine message 66
Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy.
Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was
received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important
to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious,
leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back.
Have a nice day.
Answering machine message 67
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive,
please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press
2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are
paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the
line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and
a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive,
it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Answering machine message 68
You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination
Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get around to it...
Answering machine message 69
Hi! This is Mary. I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination. Please
leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to getting it straight.
Answering machine message 70
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Answering machine message 71
Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is
something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been
here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that
could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case
down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you
down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.
Answering machine message 72
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab
'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently
unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the
tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
Answering machine message 73
Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams: Hello. Thank
you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the
phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small
twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you
as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.
Answering machine message 74
Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics
Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're
trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.
Answering machine message 75
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that
your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy
discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit
name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon
as possible to discuss your concerns.
Answering machine message 76
French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions
still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued
support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message
in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you,
just say, "non".
Answering machine message 77
Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz railroad
(an actual railroad in Oregon). There is an emergency condition right now due to
the landslide. Therefore please be advised of the following. (Another 30 seconds
of talking, all of which is drowned out by a passing train.)
Answering machine message 78
Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators
do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave
your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and
something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these
delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable
positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality
deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.
Answering machine message 79
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King
died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your
name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!
Answering machine message 80
Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret
underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission
to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what
The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you
can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll
ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening.
When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping
noise and you can speak freely.