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Tarzan's Kipling-esque Treatise
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
Hark! I shall soon be swimming in a veritable river of pachyderm seed!
Little Johnny and His Word
Little Johnny walks into the classroom and says, "poop!"
The teacher says, "Don't do that."
So little johnny says, "Ok."
Brunette Jokes
"Oh my god! A brunette walked into a doctor's office and didn't even get a nose
job or perkier boobies!"
"Like, there was this totally dumb brunette who totally walked into the Gap and
asked for Dolce & Gabana!"
"So like this brunette is all wicked mad and is telling her friend that she gave
her boyfriend a 'piece of her mind' and like, if she was mad, why did she give
him oral sex?"
"How do you stop a brunette from breathing? Remove her lungs!"
"A blonde and a brunette walk into a bar, and like, the brunette orders a beer
and it's domestic! Can you believe it?"
"So like a blonde and a brunette were stranded on a desert island and the dumb
brunette was bummed, but like wow! Total tan city! "
50 Ways To Say “I Love You”
1. “If my heart were a baked potato, I’d serve it to you with extra butter and
sour cream.”
2. “Your terrible personality isn’t so terrible after a few drinks and even when
I sober up, it’s not as terrible as everyone says.”
3. “I’d shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar
bath for you.”
4. “I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick
to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.”
5. “The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on
the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, “I’m the same
way when you don’t call when you say you will.”
6. “I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn’t run screaming. So
there.”
7. “Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.”
8. “Umm… like… you and me? Yeah. You and me.”
9. “You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.”
10. “You are the hole in my donut.”
11. “I am the pork, you are the beans.”
12. “You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.”
13. “You are my personal parachute.”
14. “If you were a margarita, I’d drink you by the bucket.”
15. “I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like
you.”
16. “If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, I’d lean against the
far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the
punch.”
17. “I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.”
18. “I’ll still want to have sex with you even when you’re old, fat, and ugly.”
19. “You had me at ‘Stop following me’.”
20. “Your farts smell like vanilla.”
21. “We’re a two person chain gang.”
22. ““I am valedictorian of the University of You.”
23. “If you needed a kidney transplant, I’d also throw in a bonus lung.”
24. “The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood
to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my
line of sight.”
25. “You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.”
26. “While you’re in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and
now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.”
27. “You suck! So good.”
28. “If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I’d gladly
disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them
with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.”
29. “When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I
stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room.
Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? That’s like
you.”
30. “We are totally codependent and I don’t want it any other way.”
31. “This is the “happily ever after” part of the damn fairy tale, dig?”
32. “If you were a handful of genital crabs, I’d never change my underwear.”
33. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t see other people. I’m just saying I’ll chase
whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.”
34. “I am your blank check. Don’t bounce me.”
35. “Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.”
36. “If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline
solution-filled fish tank, I’d feed you, change your water, and carry you on my
back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.”
37. “If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or
raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then I’d be the first to stand in
line to buy diapers.”
38. “You’re such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Let’s forgive each other, get
drunk, and screw.”
39. “If I was smart, I’d follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in
the corner.”
40. “Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my
sweet chopper… I’d also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.”
41. I wrote you a poem: “You walk in beauty like the night/ which means you’re
the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I don’t get in a fight/I agree
with what you said: you are always right.”
42. “I’m a grown up and just face the facts that you’re my security blanket.”
43. “You don’t know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical
montage part of the movie. Let’s split a pretzel and go for a walk on the
footbridge.”
44. “Not only would I die for you, I’d bitch slap Satan a good one, too.”
45.“Look: you’re the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries
while I’ll clean my shotgun.”
46. “I’m a junky for your instant messages.”
47. “I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was
breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing
face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isn’t that just strange?
I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.”
48. “You’re my best and only naked friend.”
49. “I’d smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual
tumor.”
50. “Let’s set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love
you. Wow… wasn’t that just like lame movie Reality Bites? You’ve never seen it?
It’s awesome… in a totally stupid way.”
Knock, Knock... Highway
Knock, Knock
Whos there?
Highway.
Highway who?
Highway 95 pounds!
Comedy Central's Alleged Humor
Season's Beatings
There's gotta be a better way to spend December.
Let's face it: once you're old enough to fall off of Santa's "List", Christmas
loses some of its magic. Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a
super-commercialized orgy of over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But
there isn't any "bah, humbug" here... no siree! We just think the venerable
holiday could use some fresh changes, nothing big... just a couple of twists
here and there. Like a new cover of "White Christmas" sung by Robert Downey Jr.
perhaps, or maybe a Ninja Santa, or instead of giving presents, give advice.
That way everyone gives and gets. So we kindly suggest that you enact some of
these new traditions in your celebration of this holiday season.
* Decorate your fireplace, tree, and house with long fatty strips of Christmas
Bacon.
* Fill a pair of galoshes with cottage cheese and leave them by the door
Christmas Eve. Check back in the morning to look for Santa's little
curds-slathered footprints.
* Get rid of your Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage... The Chia
Christ!
* Decorate your nipples with frosting, sprinkles, and tinsel.
* Attend Midnight Mass and hoot "boo-yah" every time the priest mentions "the
savior".
* Carve stars in pumpkins, and hide painted eggs in your yard while dressed up
like Abraham Lincoln. When your neighbors ask you what you're doing, respond, "I
was going to ask you freaks the same thing."
* Dress up like an elf, go to a playground, and collect lunch money from kids to
"pay for Santa's chemotherapy". Buy a Christmas six pack with the proceeds.
* Find out exactly how many cups of spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to
dance in your head.
* Eat Christmas dinner at a soup kitchen in a suit and tie and complain loudly
that the service is lousy, the creamed corn is lumpy, and someone smells like
"ripe ass".
* Casually hang out at a mall dressed like Santa. When hurried parents ask you
if you're the on-duty Santa, smile and say "No. I'm John Wayne Gacy".
* Get the crap beaten out of you for showing the "Christmas Spirit" by hugging
strangers on the street.
* Boil goat heads and festoon the outside of your house with them. Suggest to
neighbors that they do the same because the skulls "spook flying reindeer".
* Tell your parents you're bringing home someone special, and then arrive with a
life-sized Gingerbread Man. If you're a man, tell your folks you're "gay for
gingerbread". If you're a woman, tell them you have something else "cooking in
the oven".
* Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come with spring-loaded attack
sheep, kung-fu grip wise men, and shepherds that transform into robotic
tarantulas.
* Christmas Morning Happy Hour at Hooters, 6am 'til Noon.
The Christmas Elf Massacre
Buy me a beer if you want the story told
Of why I moved down South from the frost and cold.
Why I’m knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills.
Why I’ve given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills.
Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells --
And why I’ll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell.
You’ll never see this elf make angels in snow.
Hey thanks for the booze – so I guess here it goes:
“Twas the night after Christmas in the North Pole
No creatures were stirring, not one lousy soul.
Santa’s house appeared eerily silent
But inside the fat man was hungry, was violent
.
This workshop of toys for kids of all ages
Was filled with elves quaking in cages.
Who woke up from their long winter’s naps
To find themselves snared in a devious trap.
Hours before I had been bingeing on nog
Passed out under the bed, I spied the whole saga.
I saw all my brothers rounded up in cages.
Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages.
Then what to my horrified eyes should appear
But a wild-eyed Santa pinching an elf by the ear.
Each little sprite shook in their tights and boots.
That this monster was Santa, no one could refute.
His size and his beard gave him away as St. Nick
His fangs and his scales made me quite sick
Blood seemed to stain his white fluffy trim
He was hunched, drooling, and disgustingly slim.
“Come little helper! Climb into my maw!”
He laughed, then casually ate the elf raw.
He greedily sucked the imp’s hide off the bone
I was awed! I was scared! I was truly alone!
Dainty elf paws clutched bars and cried
Drunk on deinal; confounded by why.
(He lost his count during his murderous spree
Thought he’d rounded up most, but forgot about me!)
His hunger was wracking his hunched-over frame
With a crippling appetite that didn’t know shame.
“Don’t eat us! We love you! Look at our faces!”
The doomed little elves made their sad cases
But Santa ignored them with a swipe of his fist
Pulled out some parchment and started a list:
“Silence, you nuggets – I’m trying to think
Who to char-broil, who to blend into drink.
Who to dice, fillet, bake or panfry
Who to boil in soup, who to stuff in a pie”
These taunts seemed so strange to come from a man
Who held the dreams of children in his hands
Teeth full of gristle, he then sadly revealed
To his captive chorus of angel-faced veal,
That humans are greedy, petty, drunk on their vices.
And each Yuletide revel exacts gruesome prices
These prices are paid by the magical gnomes
Who hammer the toys that clutter up homes.
The payment’s a life – one for each holiday sin.
Delivered by Santa, after his joyful break-ins.
Perhaps he was cursed by the Easter Bunny
Or an April Fool’s jester who thought it’d be funny.
The Great Pumpkin, Jack Frost or just maybe –
That jealous and bratty New Years Eve baby.
Maybe it was a clue, how well we were fed
On cookies, cakes, lard balls and bread.
But our nature’s to love, not to distrust.
So we hugged the fat Claus’s and finished each crust.
Ignorant to what would soon transpire
We’d collapse in heaps by the crackling fire.
Expecting the old man to come flying back
And start making next years toys for his sack.
But how does he have enough sprites for his belly?
The final act of sorrow starts as fetal elf jelly.
That ferments inside his wife until it’s a broth
Filled with thimble-sized elves that surge forth like froth.
And these newborn elves, spawned pure from her womb.
Don’t understand: their workshop is really a tomb
Their dimples are gumdrops, they sneeze pixie dust.
Santa doesn’t hate them – he’s cursed with a lust.
Elves are packed with vitamins A, C, and E
We’re awfully juicy, tart yet also fruity,
We go well with gravy and mayonnaise and toast
But casserole is how Santa likes us the most.
Barbequed, fricasseed, or flambéed
Sunny-side up, shish-ka-bobbed or flayed.
Prepared anyway, our flesh is quite delicious
And it’s not like toy-happy children will miss us.
Goodbye Carl, Zud, Sprinkles and Jan!
Blossom, Hortense, Cobweb, and Stan!
Julie, Miss Knickers, Fidget, and Ralph.
I’m sorry you’re dead, you wonderful elf.
A mouthed greased with fat, Santa then hibernated.
As Mrs. Claus squatted and grossly gestated
And all that is left of my cherubic siblings.
Was a pile of bells, curly-toed boots – mostly elf things
So much for good cheer! But don’t shed a tear:
This gruesome cycle has happened for hundreds of years.
And as the fist to survive Father’s murderous rout
In a month I stopped hiding and got the hell out.”
Now I spend my days soaking under a sun like a yolk
(Yeah, I wish I’d have saved all or some of my folk)
I now have a tan where the rum’s in supply.
Sewing up flags for Captain Fourth of July.
What is grosser than gross?
A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor and you are very hungry for a
pancake, but when you pick the pancake up you find the gooey syrup and the
creamy butter are like flypaper and so your spongey, yummy pancake is covered in
lint, dustmites, a splotch of still-moist mustard from the night before, a
broken match, a dirty fingernail, and of course millions of squirming, pulsing
bacteria. Also: the pancake now smells like bellybutton, so you puke. But your
stomach is empty so you dry heave, and now the pancake is covered in your early
morning bile. Anyway, you're so hungry so you eat the pancake.
Man, that is totally gross.
Other Things Mama Told Me...
Not to cuss.
Not to cohabitate.
Not to use that language.
Not to go in the first place.
Not to invest in Telecom stocks.
Not to date sluts.
Not to eat with my hands.
Not to drink from the filthy bucket.
Not to train octopi.
Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.
Not to mix plaids and stripes.
Not to wiggle.
Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie's funeral.
Not to save and collect my empty enemas.
Not to smell my feet.
Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.
Not to lick the poison mushrooms.
Not to unlock the closet.
Not to wear her bras.
Not to “tickle the gator”.
Not to play with the children under the stairs.
Not to juggle the plutonium.
Not to smoke her cigars.
Not to seethe.
Not to let the dogs out, because she’ll know who did it.
Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.
Not to dance dirty.
Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.
Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.
Not to tap on my brother’s iron lung.
Not to take candy from strangers.
Not to let Dad out of the closet.
Massively Kewl Knock Knock
Jokes!!!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don’t know. I just deliver packages.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I’m the guy delivering it.
Great.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I’ll be right out, Susan.
Knock, knock
Who’s there.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It’s a knock, knock joke.
Oops.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who
Don’t get so upset, crybaby!
What?
Ha! Ha! I made you say “boo-hoo”
You’re a real idiot.
That wasn’t necessary.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Creeping penis.
Creeping penis who?
I’m not crazy, I just need to get off this island. The doctors don’t believe I
invented the chocolate éclair. But I did. I’m going to burn them all and drink
soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I’ll kill you last!
Knock, knock
Yo mama
Yo mama who?
Yo mama so fat, she caught a flesh-eating virus and that was three years ago.
I bet you’re fat, huh?
I’m…
You are, aren’t you? Fat!
I’m plumpish.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
FBI!
…
…
Hello? FBI! Let us in!
…
…nobody here…
Oh. Let’s go boys!
(Phew!)
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.
There’s a dead old woman in your driveway who?
No. Seriously. There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.
Actually, that’s just my piss-drunk bar slut of a grandmother. She sells
toothless mouth love for “mind eraser” shooters at the Tyson’s Mall TGIFriday’s.
Let the whore sleep it off.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Henry.
Henry who?
Henry Kissinger. Did you know that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
I’m not opening the door Henry.
Damn.
Knock, knock
Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH!
Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH who?
Actually, I’m here for Jones in #D1 but I need to take a monster crap and I hate
to kill and THEN use the bathroom, you know? Its rude and the other way around,
well it ruins my dramatic entrance. So…
You want to use my toilet?
Yeah?
Go right ahead.
Got anything to read?
Just the crossword.
You finished it.
Sorry?
Hold my scythe.
Hey! Don’t forget to light a match.
More Massively Kewl Knock Knock
Jokes!!!
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
I know it's you.
Crap.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can’t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can’t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the
dancing candelabra…
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I’m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You sure you don’t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I’m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it’s for you!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn’t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a
bucket - my knuckles are melting…
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? “HEIL
ME!” Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You’re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You’d think I miss it, but I don’t
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes. .
Kofi Annan’s New Year's UN
Resolutions
Be brave -- ask US for more money.
Salt and pepper beard more.
Apply for US citizenship.
Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony!
Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.
Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"
Make the UN more bureaucratish.
Write resolution to write more resolutions condemning the rogue state of
Luxembourg.
Talk to US President more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs
Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.
Finally count out Third World dues change jar.
Resolve to cut the word “Secretary” from title. “General Annan” catchier.
Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE
OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or “THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB”.
Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.
Make sure diplomatic immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that
smoking broad Condi.
Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of
their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into
it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!
Rejected US Army Slogans
"Kill All That You Can Kill"
"Shower With Men"
"Knock Up Foreign Broads"
"All The Grits You Can Eat"
"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
"Cubicles Are For Wusses"
"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"
"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
"Beat Up Sailors"
"We Won''''''''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"
"Don''''t Ask, Don''''t Tell, Don''''t Accessorize"
“Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
"Play Doom… For Real!"
"Sure Beats Lurnin''''''''!"
"Because Terminators Are Real"
Terrifyingly Horrible Ghost
Jokes
What did the ghost shake at the party?
Her boOoOo-ty
Who was the ghosts favorite former UN Secretary General?
BoOoOo-trous BoOoOo-trous Ghali
What disease frightens ghosts the most?
BoOoOo-bonic Plague
What do ghosts use to make beef or chicken broth?
BoOoOo-llion cubes
What sound do crying ghosts make?
BoOoOo-hoo
What was the ghosts favorite TV show?
BoOoOo-ffy the Vampire Slayer
Who was the ghosts favorite conservative intellectual?
William F. BoOoOo-ckley
What’s the difference between girl ghosts and boy ghosts?
BoOoOo-bies
Who was the ghost's favorite crooner?
Pat BoOoOo-ne
What sound do ghost bombs make?
BoOoOo-m
Vetoed Valentine Promotions
Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect opportunity for marketing
departments the world over to romance investors and donors with Valentine-themed
promotions! Here are some that didn’t quite make it off the drawing board:
Nevada State Tourism Board
“Nothing Says I LOVE YOU Like Legalized Prostitution and Gambling” T-shirts,
baseball caps, and coffee mugs.
Ku Klux Klan
* Valentine’s Day Heart Burning, co-sponsored by Alka Seltzer
Vatican Public Relations Office
* “Naughty Altar Boy” limited edition ceramic figurine
American Heart Association
* Chocolate heart with marshallow-filled arteries. Simultaneously a touching
token of love and a serious warning to an overweight sweetheart.
Daughters of the American Revolution
* Illustrated Kama Sutra featuring George and Martha Washington. Comes with
authentic period wooden dental dam.
PETA
* Spray Paint a Red Heart on Joan Rivers’ Coat Competition
National Society of Organ Donors
* “My Heart Belongs to You (As Soon As I’m Brain Dead)” cards.
Department of Homeland Security
* Moving the Valentine’s Day National Warning System Code Red for a “High Risk
of Lovin’”
Vaguely Obscene Nun Jokes
What is black and white and green and black and white?
Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.
What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down?
A nun churning butter.
What is black and white and screams "YES! YES! YES!"
A nun winning at BINGO.
What is black and white and pink and hard?
A nun stopping, lifting her habit up to her shins, and sratching her ankle bone.
What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.
What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.