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Questions Not To Ask In Foreign
Lands
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”
FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”
ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”
POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”
GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”
TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”
KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”
CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”
ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”
SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”
YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics
And Dust' ?”
INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”
ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your
pregnant son!”
CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”
SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”
SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”
MEXICO
“What's that smell?”
SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”
RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”
UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”
GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”
JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”
AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”
AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”
Yo mama so stupid...
Yo mama so stupid she couldn't even make up a "yo mama" joke.
Not Your Typical Chicken Joke
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Part of a the CIA's specially trained elite team of fowl, this stealthy chicken
is on a perilous misson.
His objective? No less than to uncover the secret documents of the infamous
Polish scientist, Dr. Poppycockski.
Dr. Poppycockski, code name: Cock, has outlandish, yet devilsihly clever plans
for total world domination, which begin with the great nation of Haiti.
More Zombie Baby Jokes
Why did the zombie baby cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.
How do you unload a truck of zombie babies? With a pitchfork.
How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies? He ate
his way out.
What's more fun then a barrel of monkeys? A barrel of zombie babies.
What's red and sits in a corner? A baby playing with a razor blade.
What's green and sits in the corner? That same baby three weeks later.
Fat Chance
Yo mama's so fat...she decided to go on a diet.
Stooooopid Mama
Yo mama is so stupid, she is dumber than me.
Q. How many lawyer jokes are
there?
Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Three...the rest are all true.
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He
tells the...
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of
all wounds."
The bartender does not know how he said this, or why.
Why did the zombie baby cross
the road?
Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who's standing there,
scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby's head can be
beneath his car tires but the rest of the body is nowhere to be seen-- unless he
were to turn around and notice the zombie baby body bearing down on him, coming
ever closer, ready with grasping, pudgy zombie baby fingers to tear and rend at
the flesh of this self-same driver who ran his head over, on the dark and
rain-swept road that snakes down from the castle of the madman who's creating an
army of zombie babies to do his dark, libidinal bidding.
What's blue and fluffy?
Q: What's blue and fluffy?
A: Blue fluff.
A guy decides to buy a new...
A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out
of tunafish."
So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."
But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."
The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"
Then the salesman takes his earplugs out, and says, "Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't
hear you. I thought you were a guy who wanted tunafish."
The Simple Joke...
Two men are walking down the street...
I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.
What's funnier than a zombie
baby?
What's funnier than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby in a clown suit.
What is funnier than a zombie
baby hanging...
What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan?
Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.
Punchlines With Absolutely No
Context
“No, no, no!” said the penguin, “I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder!”
“Surprise! Surprise! That’s not my ear canal either!”
Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again!
“Mommy Mommy,” Little Johnny replied, “is that why the soufflé is burnt?”
“Tokyo?” Said the nun, “You fool, I said take the hoe!”
And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it
smelled.
And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.
“Whew!” said the blonde, “I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable
container with the heat reflective inner surface!”
“No wait, you don’t understand,” said the fat man, “Pop Tarts are a substitute
for my mother’s love!”
As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was
only taking a nap.
“Yeah,” said the Scottsman, “but at least I don’t have a scented hand soap named
after ME!”
As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled “EGG BEATER!”
“Isotope?” He replied, “That’s no isotope!”
Snoops's Favorite Weather
What's Snoop Dogg's favorite weather?
Drizzle!
RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART
JOKES
RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES
What is Martha Stewarts favorite new soap opera?
One Life To Shiv!
Yo Martha Stewart so stooopid… she willingly engaged in shameful acts of insider
trading, effectively stealing from the backs of other investors not privy to
vital, secret company information, and now she’s shaking in her apron, setting
sail on the paddle-deficient USS Frigid Crook that’s slowly winding up the
fabled fecal syrup creek.
What do you get when you cross Martha Stewart with an octopus?
A gourmet crook with eight tentacles and a hoity-toity TV show and instead of a
mouth, a beak that shoots a camouflaging mist of merlot.
How many Martha Stewarts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None! You can’t get at the lights; they’re all bolted to the ceilings in Cell
Block C!
Three hot dogs are sizzling on a grill.
One hot dog screams, “YEEE-ARRGH!”
The hot dog next to him screams, “OH MY GOD, HOT DOGS CAN TALK!”
And the other hot dog screams, “YES! AND CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY ARRESTED THE WHITE
COLLAR CRIMINAL MARTHA STEWART? I MEAN, SHE BRAISES A MEAN RABBIT WITH BABY
CARROTS, LEEKS AND BURGUNDY, BUT WHAT SHE WAS DOING WITH IMCLONE WAS WHACK.”
Why did Martha Stewart cross the road?
To avoid the throngs of unwashed working class trash shopping for her line of
sweatshop manufactured luxury crap sold at local discount retail bacteria farms.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart who?
Martha Stewart if you let me hide in your basement under a mattress for six
months, I’ll cook you butternut squash soufflés, knit you tasteful duvets out of
silk, and make you soothing homemade bath salts. Hurry up, the fuzz is almost up
my ass.
Martha Stewart and a blonde with ADD are having a conversation.
Martha Stewart goes, “You’re an uncouth, frivolous, uncultured, tasteless and
stupid woman. I loathe my proximity to your noxiously ordinary self.”
And then the blonde with ADD goes, “I like green! What’s your favorite shape?
Pony?”
A father and son are out hunting ducks.
“Father?” asks the son, “Is that a duck?”
“No son, that’s a goose.”
“Father? Is that a duck?”
“No son, that’s a crow.”
“Father? Is that a duck?”
“No son, that’s just Martha Stewart wearing a duck hat.”
What’s yellow, crusty, fluffy, pastel, and has tasteful trim?
The mouthful of crème brulee Martha Stewart spat out on her accent pillow when
she SEC showed up at her door.
Martha Stewart Living Fall Lifestyle Tips:
* Never mix your orange jumpsuit with a clashing gang bandana.
* Teardrops and webbings carved into your face with a razor blade and a ball
point pen is tre passé. Slice in something seasonal--like a pineapple. Or a
classic like sparkling stars.
* Tired of your daily ration of meatcakes and pudding? Spice it up with plenty
of viscous tomato puree or “catsup.” Remember that not only does catsup kill the
taste, it’s almost a vegetable.
* Lower intestine stuffed with a balloon of heroin? Just a tablespoon of Epsom
Salt should flush that precious package right out!
* Your submissive cell mate deserves a treat! A little hint of lavender or
vanilla will scent the sock you stuff in your bitch’s mouth before dolling out
sorely needed discipline. Aromatherapy... it’s a good thang.
* Thinking about rolling up your sleeves while pumping iron? A little soap scum
can be used to grease those muscles right up so they glint in the prisonyard
sun.
* Hot colors this season: Mandarin; Apricot; Traffic Cone; Caribbean Sunset;
Pumpkin; Life Preserver; Electric Sunkist.
Actual Answers From Radio
Contestants
On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the
"Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from
some contestants...
1) Something a blind man might use?
A sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France?
"F"
4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the dental hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name
Heil
8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A pig in sh*t
9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race
The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath
Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach
A deck-chair
14) A famous Royal
Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does
Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom
Decorate
19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs
The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac
April
22) Something people might be allergic to
Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed
Sleep
24) Something you put on walls
A roof
25) Something slippery
A con-man
26) A kind of ache
A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping
Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato
29) A famous Scotsman
Jock
30) A famous Welshman
Vinnie Jones
31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels