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What Are Metaphors?
Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31
pence-a-pint night.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants
in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle
from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with
vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in
hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy
field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36
p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m.at a speed of
35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr
Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never
met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal
being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had
been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion
of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might
work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck
that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter
from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before
it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen
before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first
several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the
House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of
Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her,
like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his
wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set
on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their
power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were
a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature
British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper
fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Martin Scorscese is interviewing
three ...
Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros for his new movie, they are
Arnold Schwarzenneger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone. Pitching his movie he
says, "This is gonna be an action flick with a twist...all three leads will be
famous musical composers."
After some thought all three stars agree it's a new concept for an action flick
and decide to get involved. In turn, Scorscese asks each star who they would
like to play.
Bruce Willis pipes up first with "I've always wanted to play Mozart..." "Great,
great!", enthuses Scorscese, "What about you, Sly?" Stallone thinks awhile and
then says,"I've always liked Burt Baccarach's music, I'll be him." "Wonderful,
wonderful, Sly", says Scorscese and, turning to Schwarzenneger he says "And how
about you, Arnie?" Arnold thinks for a while and after some eye rolling and
tutting turns to Scorscese and says.... "I'll be Bach."
Yo mama sooooo dumb
Yo mama so dumb, when she threw a rock at the ground she missed.
Yo mama's so dumb...
Yo mama's so dumb she told you that yo mama was dumb.
What do u do if a blond...
Q: What do u do if a blond throws a grenade at u?
A: Pick it up and take the pin out and throw it back at her
Gay Picnic
Q: How do you know you're at a gay picnic?
A: If the hotdogs have fudge on them
Yo mama's so stupid...
Yo mama's so stupid, she voted for George Bush, and meant to.
A snail owned a car...
A snail owned a car and was painting a big letter 'S' on it. His friend the
turtle saw him and asked why and the snail replied, "When people see me drive by
they can, 'Say look at the S-car-go".
What do you call an elephant...
Q: What do you call an elephant between two buildings?
A: Stuck
Yo mama is so dumb...
Yo mama so dumb, she artificially inseminated you just to tell 'yo mama' jokes
to her grandchildren.
Yet Another Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock
You dumb ass, I’m the one standing outside
Who’s there?
Ah, forget it.
4th and Goal
Q:What’s funnier than kicking a zombie baby wide left from the 10 yard line?
A: Running it in for a touchdown and spiking it in the ground only to have it
stand up and chase after you with grass in its mouth, making donkey noises.
Yo mama just gets dumber...
Yo mama so dumb, she wrote anti-anti-jokes to be extra funny and still Dream on
Yo mama so old, she has dreams in black and white.
made terrible jokes.
Dream on
Yo mama so old, she has dreams in black and white.
Blonde and Blonder
A blonde is in the middle of a cornfield sitting on top a sea-doo in a bikini
when another blonde drives up in a car. The second blonde in the car yells to
the blonde in the cornfield, "You moron!, you're the reason for all the dumb
blonde jokes! If I knew how to swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
Bruce Wayne is Lame
Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
A: Get in the Batmobile Robin!
Chew on this
Yo mama is so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, "Hey where's
my gumball?"
Don't play with your food
Q: What's the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables?
A: I don't eat my vegetables
Blue's Clues
Q: What did the blueberry say to the blueberry?
A: You're a blueberry.