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Hungry Monkey
A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks over to the counter and
orders a drink. The monkey runs straight for the pool table and jumps on it. The
monkey picks up one of the billiard balls and swallows it. The bartender says,
''Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?'' ''What?'' asked the man.
''He just ate my billiard ball!'' The man apologized to the pool players and
paid the bartender 10 bucks for the ball, took his monkey and walked out.
A week later the same man and his monkey walk in again. The man sits down and
orders a drink. The monkey sits down by the man. After the man finishes his
drink he starts to play pool. The monkey hops up on the counter and grabs a
cherry and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender
said, ''Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?'' The man said, ''Yeah,
I know, he measures it now!''
Monster Mystery
What has 72 arms and 36 heads an has an I.Q. of 12?
A redneck bar on friday night
Really Bloody Mary
How do you know your bartender doesn't like you any more?
There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!
My Dog Can Beat Up Your Dog
Once a man walked into a bar and sat down at a booth.
Eventually, he and another man got into an argument about whose dog could whoop
the other dog.
The man said, "Let's have a fight out back.''
''Okay'' said the other.
When they got their dogs, one man opened a case and brought out a 12 inch long
yellow dog.
That dog proceeded to kill every other dog in town.
When one man asked, ''Where did you get that dog?'' the man said, ''Well, before
I cut its tail off and painted it yellow, it was an alligator."
Feels Like a Fanny
Two old friends/enemies who love to take the piss out of each other are in a
bar, drinking. One reaches over and feels the other's bald head.
"Good God! This feels just like my wife's ass!" The man whose head it is runs
his hand over it, too.
"So it does! So it does!"
A Drunk Asks a Priest
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled
guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol
and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have
you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
Keep Gabby Reece Away
"Don't trust volleyball players with your drinks."
"Why?"
"They might spike 'em."
The Lord Giveth...
When the Lord gave out brains, I thought he said trains and I missed mine! When
he gave out looks, I thought he said books, and I didn't want any! When he gave
out noses, I thought he said Four Roses, and I ordered a big one! When he gave
out legs, I thought he said kegs, and I ordered two fat ones! When he gave out
ears, I thought he said beers, and I ordered two long ones! When the Lord gave
out chins, I thought he said gins, and I said 'Give me a double' Oh Lord! I'm a
mess!
No, Officer
A man is driving with wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman.
"Sir," says the cop. "You were going 60 in a 50."
"No, I wasn't."
"Yes, you were," says the wife.
"Keep quiet!" says the man, angrily.
"And you weren't wearing a seatbelt," says the cop.
"Yes I was."
"No, you weren't," says the wife.
"SHUT UP!" says the man, really angry.
"Ma'am," asks the cop, "is he always the rude and violent?"
"Only when he's DRUNK."
A Blonde, the Beach, and...Beer?
Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?
Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.
Dumb Drunk
A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he
takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, “Bill! Your house burnt
down!”
So he runs outside but then he thinks, “I don't have a house.” So he goes back
into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, “Bill! Your dad died!”
And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but
then thinks, “I don't have a dad.”
So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another
guy runs in and says, “Bill! You won the lottery!”
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then
thinks, “My name's not Bill.”
Bar & Donkey
Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in
and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."
The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll
have a pint of Guiness."
Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p
please."
While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say,
you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."
Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me
'Donkey.'"
Tiny Headed Man
A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender
asked him why his head was so small. The man sighed.
"I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful
genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I
wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in
all the world."
"Yeah?"
"And then I wished for a little head."
Gettin' Drunk
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this
guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like
me!”
The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”
The first guy answers, “Chicago.”
“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?”
“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy.
“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your
address?”
''951.”
“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”
“ John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I
wonder if we're related!?”
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if
anything is new. “No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk
again.”
Bar: Cockney Steering Wheel
A guy walks into a pub and says, ''Can you remove this steering wheel from my
pants?''
The bartender says, ''Why is that there? Is it annoying?''
"Yes," the man said, ''it's driving me nuts."
If You Had What I Have
A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best
Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down
one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 cents."
Blondes Love Puzzles
There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a
group of blondes & they were chanting ''44 days! 44 days!'' One of the blondes
was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned
towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, ''Why are you chanting 44
days?'' She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, ''A lot of people think
us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together.
It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!'''
Shoulda Said
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a
drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on
top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me --
who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside
of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at
the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Sobriety Test
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes.
The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer
tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma
attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup
to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will
go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol
level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you
draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
International Beer Syndrome
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and
buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates
the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy
another mug of beer.