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Looking to buy a frog?
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a
really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it,
then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He
reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,
cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even
better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The
bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the
first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into
his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his
knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket
and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him
$100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The
stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists,
"he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to
$500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the
stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth
millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about
it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's
a ventriloquist."
Who can say this sentence?
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having
adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever
can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not
good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative
enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
Arriving home very drunk
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why
don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten
times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops
the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home
for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at
the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped
up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I
thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Making a bet at a bar
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television
when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump,
obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you
$10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the
bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story
was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw
the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump
again!"
A nun arrives at the local bar
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint
and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his
table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the
blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are
saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I
will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice
and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
Newly issued alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed
on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking
a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that
could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you
really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn
on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Reasons to allow drinking at
work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at
work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into
allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
A neutron at a bar
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
I have a magical dancing duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a
table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap
dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck
from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for
the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a
ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a
single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under
the pot?"
He is a very fast drinker
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender
looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The
bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the
next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A bet made at the local bar
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he
stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of
people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in.
Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks
up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray
beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any
outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he
agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the
contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the
shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I
guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a
piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
What causes people to have
arthritis?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to
a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy
turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have
arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
The customs of an Irishman
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste
better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I
have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in
Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice
custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders
two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to
the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The
Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he
laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
You can't bring that dog in this
bar
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without
missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says,
"I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a
table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops
him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a
seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to
the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog
in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I
don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses
for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
The story of a very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I
want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he
pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all
up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get
that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.
Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do?
Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in
Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
I'm just trying to be helpful
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon
this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live
here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up
on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the
man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man
drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then
went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another
drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to
help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first
drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But
before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please
officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me
down the elevator shaft!"
They are stopped by the police
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and
John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped
because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I
didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago
to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your
license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had
expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling
you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front
of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always
talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
A seal visits a local bar
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
A man takes the ferry home from
work
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan.
He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the
ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a
nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the
dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a
running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling
in!"
Female hormones in beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer
contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and
observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
A very depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays
like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next
to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just
joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man
crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and
I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the
building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do
nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and
when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and
come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
show up and drink my poison."
Where is this bus going?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle,
and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going
straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Three vampires go to a bar
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress
comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire
responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The
vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire
responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You
want two bloods and a blood light?"
Does your dog bite?
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his
feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
A golf club visits a local bar
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of
beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
I am afraid of that tarmac
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders
himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and
ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's
the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard
shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
I don't owe anything for this
drink
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says
"That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking
about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the
bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of
remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a
drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are
you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my
life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must
have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."