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A brain goes to a local bar
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
The wife is not speaking to me
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a
drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets
worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking
to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that
she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
If she went out with me
A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was
a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in
to town for a few beers.
In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging
about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.
The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if
she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."
To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd
never go out with ANYONE ever again."
Who gave you those black eyes?
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of
swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of
them."
Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the
bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender
follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says
he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in
the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and
again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and
throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the
bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get
violent when you drink."
This pill allows you to fly
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill,
take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and
zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the
man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man
offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand
dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned
back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and
jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at
the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk,
Superman."
Drink fault-finding guide
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as
many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and
clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner
about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain
loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent
strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see
your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to
a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
I'll trust you that you paid
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem
the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender
can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to
get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the
bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here
tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they
did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me
my change and I'll be on my way."
Driving home very drunk
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading
home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow
couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper
wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the
opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him,
drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the
door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the
influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove
his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in
the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened
the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
I get so drunk that I imagine
things
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on
the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm
scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So
is the mongoose."
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.
I'm trying to prove a point
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of
this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with
water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims
around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says,
feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this
experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
A pirate at the local bar
discusses his past
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures
on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye
patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies,
"We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We
were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One
of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull
dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
There is a monkey in the bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and
sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and
steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano
player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey
stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
How drunk are you? Official
drinking test
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you
really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then
determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare
your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman
alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet;
(b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b)
fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face;
(d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven
limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged
1950 japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than
anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic
being.
Question answer values
For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.
Results
For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the
normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e
option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into
a hospital for alcohol poisoning.
For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you
plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember
your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.
For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers.
Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably
result in injury.
For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You
have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you
choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably
still have the ability to stand up.
For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting
started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are
probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very
moment.
This doucment was written by the employees at Glowport.
Top ten signs that you are too
drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the
Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have
forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
A drunk orders himself a beer
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he
staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the
bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had
plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could
get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the
bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He
wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and
still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his
inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself
out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a
drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly
drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called
immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man!
How many bars do you work at?"
The wife is not speaking to me
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing
guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of
the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side
of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A
lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
Who keeps saying those things?
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to
drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The
man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went
back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The
man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The
man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."
Someone stole things from me
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio,
and even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second
time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup,
"I got in the back seat by mistake."
I think I'll try a nicer
approach
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He
spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each
night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door
opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then
she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and
coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was
particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little
differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him
some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his
ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived
home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and
let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm,
and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his
feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and
started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's
pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you
think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll
be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"
Bad luck finding a place to hide
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a
double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours
him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme
another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you
this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when
this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I
thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a
fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and
asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while.
I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a
while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out
of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her
room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down
to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and
reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with
the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling
match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he
would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I
figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock.
I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my
fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this
point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who
you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"
Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the
closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide
in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good
thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over
there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to
stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running
for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of
a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right
on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my
scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that
didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and
over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can
hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand
why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you
anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was
only about six inches off the ground."
I know you were drunk yesterday
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is
extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his
shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he
falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad,
except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they
broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that
he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked
himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He
then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went
to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was
hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife
came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night.
Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found
a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
My girlfriend is out in the car
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned
something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned
because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he
saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The
bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his
girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his
girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
I bet I can bite both of my eyes
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll
bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts
the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that
his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his
other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass
eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other
eye.
I only ordered a double
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
This tells me that I must be
drunk
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his
shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt
pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him
"every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man
replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look
good, I go home."
Two men walked into a bar
Two men walked into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
Some yogurt visits a local bar
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub
of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured
individuals."
Some very common traits in two
drunks
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another
round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have
another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I
graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's
been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
The number twelve goes to a bar
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of
beer.
"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 18," replies the barman.