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Biting
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a
while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
Yo Mama's So Dumb... Drunk
Driving
Your mama is so dumb when she was pulled over for drunk driving and they asked
her to walked the line she said, ''Which one?''
Lawyer or Ass?
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink
and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”
A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”
The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
He replies, “No, I'm an asshole.”
Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear
a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me
is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde.
The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde
joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to
have to explain it five times."
Calamari Quite Contrary
This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and
says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give
him."
Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments.
The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.
The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play
it.
The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later
with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus
wouldn't be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and
waits.
After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe
the owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!"
The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get
the plaid pajamas off of it, I'm gonna screw it!"
The Sailor and the Pirate
A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit down next to each other, get to
talking and their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of
his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and
killing his enemies with the other pirates.
The sailor notices that the pirate has an eyepatch, a hook and a peg leg and
asks, “How did you get the peg leg?”
The pirate replies, “When I was thrown off my ship and flated for two days until
my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out
of the water.”
The sailor, impressed, says, “Wow. That's very exciting. But how about the
hook?”
The pirate smiles, shining the hook a bit, “When I was swordfighting with a
pirate from our enemy ship for treasure, he took it right off.''
The sailor's eyes were wide with awe at how badas this pirate was, and he asked,
How did you get the eyepatch?” “Well,”says the pirate, shifting in his seat a
bit, “a seagull shit in my eye.”
The seaman looks puzzled: “You lost an eye from gull shit?”
The pirate sighed and shook his head. “It was my first day with the hook.”
The Golden Toilet
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the
address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I
have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go
knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a
toilet!''
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He
rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big
party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the
house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back
door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no
one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there
bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom
anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till
finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN
TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a
stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his
business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of
the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They
pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the
party.
A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the
house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove
to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree
to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell.
And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show
my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the
guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES
THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''
Ventriloquist and the Polack
A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk
polack confronted him, ''I'm sick of your polack jokes and I'm going to knock
the shit out of you.'' ''I'm sorry, it was all in good fun,'' replied the
comedian. The polack retorted, ''I was talking to little asshole on your knee."
Nagging Wife vs. Drunk Driver
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over
the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a
few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone
deaf.”
Mermaid Sex
This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar
and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked
down and said to the man, “Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed
you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?” The man said “No, I got this in
the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in WWII. I was the only survivor
on the ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she
would grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S.
The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would
ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She
said, ‘I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.’”
So I said, “How about a little head?”
Irishman Drunk and Falling Down
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said
that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his
face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat
on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed
to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So,
you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Mistaken Identity
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her
over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
Shy Guy's Rejection
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, ''Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?'' She
responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ''No, I won't sleep with you
tonight...you pig ''
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face. After a
few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and
says, ''I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public
situations.'' To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, ''What do
you mean $200 for a BJ?''
All You Can Drink
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs
down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down
that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This
goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my
business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe
and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she
starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
New FDA Alcohol Warnings for
Booze Bottles
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over
again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear
from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the
forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really
big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby
small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Accidental Bonding
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -
there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him
that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another
miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens
it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it
back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
What, No Golden Goose?
A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a
golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden
Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who
pissed in your saxophone."
Ya Wanna Find Jesus?
A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed.
The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.
"Sure," said the drunk man. "I'll find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk
man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he
was sputtering and couging.
"Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"
Three Stupid Wives
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and
discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we
don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments,
''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both
walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think
of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her
packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she
doesn't even have a penis
the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw
the cat."