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Beer Nuts vs. Deer Nuts
How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck
Lady At the Bar
There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted a drink she would raise her
hand. She had very bad armpit hair.
The Bartender was getting really grossed out and told the man sitting at the bar
that next time she did that he was not going to give her a drink.
One minute later she said, ''Bartender, Bartender, get me another drink.''
The bartender said no. The man sitting there said, ''Oh give the poor ballerina
another drink.''
The bartender said, ''How do you know she is a ballerina?''
The man replied, ''Well anyone that can lift there leg that high must be a
ballerina!''
Gator Bite
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his
mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer.
''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise not to hit me on the
head with the beer bottle."
Drunk at Your Door
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over
and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he
drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger,
"Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that
wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the
kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us
started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens
the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do
you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swingset.
Three Little Ducks
A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool,
he looks up at the bartender and says, “Could you mind my ducks while I go use
the phone?” The bartender is puzzled, but he doesn't see a problem and agrees to
look after the three little ducks.
When the owner of the ducks leaves, the bartender says to the first duck “What's
your name?” The duck says, ''My name is Huey.'' And the bartender, an affable
fellow, especially around ducks, says, “Hello Huey, how has your day been?” “My
day's been great,” answers the duck, “I've been slipping in and out of puddles
all day.”
Satisfied, the bartender moves to the next duck and asks the same questions. The
second duck replies, “My name is Dewey and I've had a great day; I've been
slipping in and out of puddles all day.” The bartender says, ''That sounds
nice.''
With this the bartender moved to the third duck and thinks to himself about the
first ducks' responses, then says to the third duck, “Don't tell me -- your
name's Louie and you've been slipping in and out of puddles all day too.” To
which the duck replies, “No. My name's Puddles, and I've had a shit of a day.”
Stoopit Pickup Lines
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you
right here!
2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming
too.
6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the
afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all
night!!
Female Hormones in Beer
Two men were in a pub.
One man said, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?"
The other man said, "No! Is it true?"
"Yes," said the first man. "If you drink too much, you start talking crap and
you drive terribly."
Dyslexic
A dyslexic walks into a bra...
The Golden Mug
A guy walked into a bar and saw a golden mug on a shelf above the bartender and
it said “Win this...free beer for LIFE!” The man walked up to the bartender and
asked “how do I win this golden mug?” The bartender replied, “See that drunken
man over there? Knock him out in one punch. See that dog? He has a toothache but
noone can get the tooth out. Take the tooth out. See that old lady? She hasn't
been screwed in a while so...screw her.”
The man walks over to the drunk man and knocks him out with one punch. Then, he
goes over to the dog and brings him into the back alley. The bartender hears
some noises and then the man comes back in with a pair of pliers and says,
“Where's the old lady with a toothache?”
Flies In The Beer
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of
Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one
lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and
shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Saint Patrick's Day Bar
Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale
and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your
shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as
needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about
its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that
you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip
across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay
put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your
bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to
a lie-in
Dog vs. Fox
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.
Walking Man, Into Bar He Goes
A guy walks into a bar and says, "I think I've heard this one before!"
Karate Chop
There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge
guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him
in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big
guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''
The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another
beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little
guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big
guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''
The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so
he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he
hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the
floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from
Sears!''
Reverend
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to
notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking
beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his
congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down
next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of
my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood
up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink
and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their
balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the
reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her
waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm
Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well
finish!"
The Local Strip Club
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for
his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His
wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave.
''He's on my bowling team.''
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His
wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that
woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling
League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and
throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table
dance?''
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave
follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps
in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this
time, Dave!''
Irish DUI
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically.
He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub
where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour'
and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for
a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way
home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat
until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The
officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car
and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''
Signs You Have a Hangover
You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay
still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass
of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying
in a fetal position.
The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give
it whirl!"
All day long your motto is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
Just Keep Drinking!
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me
twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back
really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are
drinking those drinks really fast.”
The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what
I''ve got.”
The bartender says, “What''ve you got?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
Fall-Down Drunk
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave
a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."