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Having a Beer With Your Brothers
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one...
sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out
of the third one... sets it down, and repeats this process until all three beers
are gone. Then he leaves.
On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the
three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious.
The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy,
but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"
The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar
every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far
away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local
bar and have three beers to remember old times."
The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A
month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from
one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and
repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a
month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the
bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your
brothers pass away or something?"
The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I
couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my
brothers."
A Nun? Drinking!?
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint
o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold
alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice
dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked
home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and
she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her
arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack
pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me
this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad,
so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
Sexy Timepiece
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with
buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really
fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically
ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Rubbish," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it
if you've got any panties on."
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to
his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties
on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"
Merle Goes Out Drinking Every
Night...
Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would
spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around
midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the
door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let
him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant
nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued
his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was
particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when
he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words
and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived
home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and
led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet
up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started
to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty
late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get
in trouble when I get home anyway!"
The Great Wiener Caper
One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they
decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see
how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.
Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, one of the men got an idea.
He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin
drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if
they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay
for them. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through
the opening. He had his friend get down and start sucking on it. The bartender
cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine
until they were dog drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and
wasted.
"Man," one of the drunks said, "I've got to admit, that hot dog trick worked
great."
"Actually," the second drunk said, "I ate the hot dog at the second bar!"
Accidental Bonding
A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were
totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. "Our cars
are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are
to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.
"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.
The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny
within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. "This bottle of
wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a
toast to our new friendship."
"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He
popped the cork and drank his share.
"I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"
"No, thanks," came the reply. "I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
Shine On, You Crazy Fratboy!
How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.
Beer Brothers
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip
one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them
cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're
low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and
one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd
still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too
and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the
guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes
in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender
sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry
that one of your brothers died."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
Libraries Are Sexy
You got any overdue library books? 'Cause you got fine written all over you!
Fly In My Guinness
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of
Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land
in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and
demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long
swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his
fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Heinlich Maneveur
Three guys were in a bar and they heard a woman choking. They decided she would
be okay, and went on with their conversation. Pretty soon the woman started
choking really bad, so the three guys walked over to her. The first guy bent the
lady over, the second pulled down her pants and the third guy licked her butt.
The lady was so shocked she stopped choking and one of them said, ''See, I told
you the HEINLICH manevuer works!'''
Paying the Price of Marriage
William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate
with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a
sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William
brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that
young woman, and you were so rude."
"Mildred, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down
to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear
us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and
Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.
William asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy
sex for that price."
"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left,
Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William
pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
The Bar Basement
Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, ''If you can sit in my basement
for a day I'll give you free beer forever.''
So the first man says, ''Easy. I can do that.''
But he walks out after five minutes and says, ''It's impossible, you got a swarm
of flies in there.''
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than 10 minutes. Finally
the third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did
it.
He said, ''Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!''
Drunk Superhero
Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were
totally plastered.
The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of
this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!''
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy
replied, ''YOU'RE ON!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came
right back to the same spot. ''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was
incredible. Do it again!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed
right next to his friend. ''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"
''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to
do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew
around, and came back. ''Your turn,'' he said.
So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ''This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the
window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly
the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'''
Braggadocio
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now
owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his
choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office,
but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new
mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock
Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his
friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a
disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the
plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million
dollars in stock for his birthday."
Horse Tears
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the
bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I
can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even
feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try
it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was
before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one
of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try
shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the
fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of
a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.
"I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it...
grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying
out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that
the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and
storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won
the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the
black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
Alligators and Women
A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in the bar he
tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of drinks from everyone
in the bar he will insert his penis into the alligator's mouth and remove it
unscathed. All the bar goers accepted the dare and each put up a drink. the man
walks up to the alligator, takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the
alligator's mouth. He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the
alligator's head. The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes
his penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same thing, I
will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if you
promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''
Drunk and Arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a
priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick
and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his
newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest,
''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much
alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine
that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just
read in the paper that the Pope does.''
Dog Talk
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a
drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can
say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''
The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''
The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''
She says, ''That's not creative.''
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone......cheese
mine.''
High Tech Man
A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The
bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and
asks him, "What are you doing?
The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right
into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure
enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.
After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that
he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to
check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall
standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper
towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the bartender yells, "What are you doing?!"
The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."