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Got Any Grapes?
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes.
The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has
never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a
little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender
begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you
ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
Bar... Alabama
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender
looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and
syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now
asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender
and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him
"It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
I Nearly Pissed Myself
Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night having a good time, Jack, the
bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink. As he served the
drink Bob spoke up.
"Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?"
"Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?"
"Well Jack, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your
bar and piss into it without spilling a drop."
Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he
is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made." So the
bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on."
Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the
end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got."
Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top,
all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and
almost fell over.
Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you
smiling at jackass? You just lost $1,000!"
"Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check?"
"Yeah, what about him?"
"Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND
you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."
Get Your Ire Up
Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman
sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked. The second
decided to try.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked. The third
man knew he had the solution.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."
Biker Bar Interview
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day
and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."
The Bottom Line
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming
in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on
the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
Nerd Season
A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one
night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull
over.
On aproaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.
He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his
face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, I'm a truck driver,” he
replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar
and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a
plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out
his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the
trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “It's nerd season.”
“Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've
opened up nerd season.” So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes
back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid
becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard.
His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out
of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they
can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the
bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts
picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his
arms screaming, “STOP! STOP!”
“What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season?”
“Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you can't bait 'em!”
Dumb Crooks Roundup
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in
Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports
bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was
flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned his petty theft into a
felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago,
Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life
without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for
shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a
pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the
man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but
changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops
ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons
violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence
for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a
violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away
for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's
injury is punishment enough.
HEY -- WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?
A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store
in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passereby he was going to rob the
store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide
his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the
store... and called the police.
OOPS! OF THE WEEK
A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're
going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original
owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John
Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an
assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen
in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant -- where cops
found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The
owner of the second restaurant was arrested.
I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!
During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a
camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each
other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film
out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men
apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that
stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a
computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects
were quickly arrested.
I THOUGHT THIS'D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY'D LOOK...!
A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he
blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut
cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He
had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police
called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints,
and served him with an arrest warrant instead.
AND FINALLY...
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that
Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is
available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus,
killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He
nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train,
killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him
to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the
trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."
Heading for Trouble
A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is a miracle of nature and is just a
head. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives
the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.
The man thought, "Hey this is good."
So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son
again, and out pops another arm.
The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down
and suddenly explodes.
The bartender looks over at the man and says, "Looks like he should have quit
while he was ahead."
Signs That You're A Drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more
attractive
14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!
15. Roseanne looks good
16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. You've fallen and can't get up.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Drunken Man and Blonde
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already
drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says,
''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world
kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo
champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm
wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me
that blonde joke?''
The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three
times.''
Surprise Package
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting
next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?''
''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''
''I'm Jim.''
''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''
''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the
bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the
picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.
''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.
''Is it your brother?''
''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it
might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''
Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.
''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''
''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.
Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''
Blonde Mating Call
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
A: "I'm soooo drunk."
Californiacation
A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and
shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan,
"we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas. "
The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine,
tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped
the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."
The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer,
chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a
beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood
frozen in shock.
"Relax, kids," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin'
shitload of Californians. No big deal."
One Too Many
An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand
one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh
air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the
four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls
flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches
his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself
upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his
head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
''So, you've been out drinking again!!''
''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face.
''The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again.''
Alaskan Drunk Goes Fishing
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and
goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL
FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL
FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
Hooligan Hijinx
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me
a Budweiser, or...!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This
happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous
wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for
himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next
day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."
Just A Juggalo
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker.
The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the
backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car
and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it
drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests
are hard."
Peeing Leprechaun
A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one evening and began ordering
pitchers of beer. After a few pitchers, the leprechaun looked around and saw a
very large, mean-looking character sitting at the end of the bar. With a smile,
the leprechaun ran to the end of the bar and stood in front of this guy. He
laughed hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over the mean-looking
fellow. Looking meaner and madder than ever, he reached out to grab the
obnoxious little leprechaun, only to miss him as the leprechaun jumped up and
ran back to his seat next to his friend.
''If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again or I'll rip off your
little tallywagger!'' yelled the mean-looking man.
The leprechaun snickered and started on another pitcher of beer, while his
friend told him he thought it would be better not to harass this guy again. A
few pitchers of beer later, the leprechaun was beginning to feel pretty
intoxicated and fun-loving. Once again, he looked down at the end of the bar and
saw the same mean-looking man sitting there. The leprechaun chuckled, ran to the
end of the bar to stand in front of the same man, began laughing hysterically,
stuck out his tongue and spit all over him again. The angry man reached out to
grab the drunk little leprechaun and was successful in capturing him.
''All right, I've got you this time. I warned you before that if you came near
me again I would rip off your little tallywagger and that is what I intend to
do!''
The leprechaun laughed again and said, ''You can't do that!''
''Why not?'' asked his captor.
''Because,'' giggled the leprechaun, ''Leprechauns don't have tallywaggers!''
''Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?'' growled the angry man, ''How in
the hell do ya pee?''
''Just like this!'' laughed the leprechaun as he stuck out his tongue and spit
with all his might.
Escape a DWI Rap
Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing
lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't
worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and
everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer
bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles
under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!''
They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He
shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ''Have you been
drinking?'' he asks them.
''Oh no Sir,'' replies the driver.
''I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you
haven't been drinking?'' the cop asks.
''Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.''
''Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on
your forehead?''
''That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alchoholics, and
we're on the patch!''