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Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes
catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is...
uh...' Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your
underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says 'Hi'
when you come in... You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you're beginning to find your
roommate's cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize
wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me
home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past
you. I'm as sober as a judge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
How Old is this Drink?
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The
bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year
Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy
downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically
asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls
out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks
it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old
Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year
old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around
the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the
guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for
forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a
bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the
bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is
forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full
shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he
chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like
piss," he yells.
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
Bar... Duckman
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help
you, sir?"
The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an
Irishman
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it
as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer
and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
If You Were my Husband...
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I
would poison your drink."
The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
Babe-raham Lincoln
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at
a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a
party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my
love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Three Strings Walk Into a Bar
There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they
didn''t get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for
three beers. The bartender said, ''I'm sorry buddy we don''t serve strings in
here.'' The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the
bartender said.
''I''ve been here before and gotten a drink, I''ll go get us something to
drink,'''' said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and
politely asks the bartender for three beers.
The bartender says, ''I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in
here.''' So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has
happened.
The thrid string says '''Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order
something to drink'' The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself
up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for
three beers.
The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, ''You a string?''
"Frayed knot,''he replies.
Dickens and the Martini
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
Redneck Communion
You might be a redneck if your congregation uses shot glasses for communion.
The Best Pub
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing
the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands
where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not
impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a
drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly
impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin
there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when
the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and
Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He
replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.''
What a Scotsman Wears Under His
Kilt
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large
amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against
a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him,
one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore
nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him
for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the
Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of
nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied
blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been
laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
At the Pub with Joe and His Wife
Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink. His wife starts
complaining that he's always at the pub and never takes her anywhere anymore.
After hours of complaining, the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub.
They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for
himself and his wife. While he's gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her
he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry.
Joe's wife exclaims, "You sick pervert! Get out of my sight!"
Joe returns and his wife tells him what happened and asks him to go kick that
guy's ass. Joe says, "No way. A guy who can drink that much beer has got to have
a pint on me!"
Limey Penguin
A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The bartender is
astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin
goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road.
Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the bar.
One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the
ringmaster. He starts chatting to the barman and learns of the talking penguin
who frequents his establishment.
Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is
true then he would draw in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic
bird. The barman says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly
lunchtime. So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits.
Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna
sandwich. The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to
introduce himself to the amazing bird.
"Hello there," said the Ringmaster, "I run the circus that's in town and I am
always on the lookout for new talent. Can I offer you a job?"
"Is it that big tent in the park?" said the penguin.
"Yes," replied the Ringmaster.
"The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and
ropes?"
"Yes, Yes my feathered friend."
"Don't be daft," said the penguin. "I'm a plasterer!" and walked back to the
building site.
Get it Straight
A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to
get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it
away yesterday!"
Six Feet Under The Sheets
Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a
noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you
here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful
than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers
over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the
bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them
again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh,
you're right, dear!"
Beer Goggles
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He
noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot,
chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued
several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your
little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time
you drink your shot and beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts
lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"
Making a Confession
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and
said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says
nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man
to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
The Perfect Woman
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a bar.
Lightbulbs vs Pregnant Women
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
THE DRUNK
There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the
bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he
would puke up his guts.
One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give
him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as
always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his
wife,''You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don't worry, with
the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."