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12 Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as
he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
Beer Machismo
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the
brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I
have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.
The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.
Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.
All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."
DUI Enforcement
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to
pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his
rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of
0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
The Irishman's Wish
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the
table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give
you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The
Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.
The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
Yo Mama's such a drunk...
If it weren't for the olives in martinis, yo' mama would starve to death.
Taking the Bullet
Two guys are drinking together, when one of them throws up all over himself.
"Christ!" he says, "My wife ish going to kill me."
His friend puts his arm around his shoulder and offers him 20 dollars. "Don't
worry," he says, "I'm your besht friend - give her thish and tell her that I
chucked up on your jacket, and that I gave you thish money to get it cleaned."
"Fantashtic," says the first guy. "You're amashing, really the besht."
Arriving home, the poor guy's wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you
been, look at the state of you..." she kicks off.
Quickly he replies, "Look love, it's not really my fault. Jack threw up all over
me, but you know he's really a nice guy 'cos he gave me 20 bucks to get my
jacket cleaned..."
"But there are 40 dollars here," she replies.
"Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack shat in my trousers as well."
A Rainbow of Devotion
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
Five Pigs In a Bar
Five pigs were standing outside a bar. The first pig went in and ordered one
beer. 15 minutes later, he asked where the bathroom was.
The bartender replied, '' Down the hall and to your right.''
Then, the second pig came in and ordered two beers, and after 30 minutes, he
asked where the bathroom was.
Once again, the bartender replied, ''Down the hall and to your right.''
After that, the third pig came in. He ordered three beers, and after 45 minutes,
asked where the bathroom was.
The bartender told him the same as the other to.
The fourth pig came in, and ordered four beers, and after and hour, asked where
the bathroom was.
The bartender told him the same thing as he told the other three.
After all this, the fifth pig came in and ordered five beers. After about an
hour and a half, he had NOT asked where the bathroom was. The bartender was
wondering why.
So he asked, ''Don't you want to know where the bathroom is like the other four
pigs?'' The fifth pig just looked up him and answered smartly,
''No. Because I'm the piggy that goes, 'Wee wee wee,' all the way home.''
Celtic Mortality
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Bar Joke
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it
was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the
bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out
the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through
the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how
he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents
which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out
the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're
drunk."
Martooni
A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender
goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme
another martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs
that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10
minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another?'' She says,'' Oh, no, I got
this terrible heartburn.''
The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.''
Nerdz
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.
As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ''Nerds Not
Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in and sits down. The bartender
comes over to him.
''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?''
''I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.''
''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer. As he is
sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket
protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too
long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the
guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
''Why did you do that?''
''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season
now. You don't even need a license.'' The truck driver finishes his beer, gets
back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid
an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole
load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts
blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes
zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em.''
Drunken Donut II: The Return
A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been
eating doughnuts?"
Godawful Pickup Line
Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can definitely see myself in your
pants tonight.
Prehistoric Pick-up Line
I ain't no Fred Flintstone, but I could sure make your bed rock!
15 Signs You Drank Too Much
15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as
you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's
pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made
with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of
a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find
your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan
of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a
personal challenge.
Termite Fun. Yep, Termite Fun.
What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?
Where is the bar tender?
Pulled Over
A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But I'm not drunk, officer!"
"Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. If you don't get out of this
car, I'll arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"
Take what you want
One day Ed, known for always being broke and shabby, walks into his regular bar.
One of the other regulars, noticing his new clothes and brand new Harley
Davidson asked him where he got it. Ed, with a big, proud smile on his face
explained: "I was walking to the grocery store, when all of a sudden a girl rode
up on this shining new Harley. She got off her bike, threw off all of her
clothes and said 'take what you want.' So I did."
Free Drinks! Free Drinks!
A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender
can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then
rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free
drinks.The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some
time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened
in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that
they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass...."
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me
my change and I'll be on my way."