HOME
Drinking Buddies
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City.
They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So
where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both
finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says
to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin.
What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins
getting sloshed again."
Bubba's Secret
A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the
topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the
biggest dick in town. One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and
ask him why he's got the biggest schlong around.
“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the
bedpost three times.”
“That's it?” asks the drunk.
“Yup,” says Bubba.
So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing,
tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and
says, “Bubba, is that you?”
Male Translations
"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
--I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home
with.
"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this
bombed.
"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round
they'll be $4.50 a pop.
"Lets get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfindel?"
--I'm gay.
"Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female)
--I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting
attention.
"Excuse Me." (male to female)
--I am going to grope you now.
"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."
--I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding
him since football season.
"What do you have on tap?"
--What's cheap?
"Can I just get a glass of water?"
--It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably
dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, so it's the least you can do for
me.
Tiff With Riley
''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on
a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have
had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
Out of T.P.
A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She
starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The
bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for
you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his
mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.
She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?''
The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.''
The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap
in the women's restroom.''
Bar... Grasshopper
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink
named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
A Good Bud is Hard to Find
What's the difference between men and beer?
When you're done with the beer it's still worth 5 cents.
Give Me A Double
So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."
The bartender obliges him.
The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."
So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he
had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more
beers.
So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"
So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife
gets."
Bar: Guy and a Picture of a
Hottie
This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he pulls out a
picture of a beautiful girl, about 20. He orders drink after drink after drink.
Finally, the bartender asks why he's getting drunk
"I have to come home to this!'' the guy says, pointing to the picture of the
beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her?'' asks the bartender. ''She's beautiful and half your
age!''
''Exactly. That's my daughter.''
Pete's Wicked Blonde Ale
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up!
Drink This In Memory of Me
The bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in. With
great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled
himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,
too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved
very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting at the end of the
bar?”
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and
hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!”
“Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a
jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and
did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
Control Freaks
Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they
have over their wives, while the third remains silent.
After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you?
What kind of control do you have over your wife?"
The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the
other day I had her on her knees."
The first two men were dumbfounded.
"Wow! What happened next?" they asked.
The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she
started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
Self-Explanatory
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Sitting at a Bar...
A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, sexy young man entered. He
was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man
noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she
could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her
''I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how
kinky, for $100, on one condition.'' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the
condition was. The young man replied, ''You have to tell me what you want me to
do in just three words.'' The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young
man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly,
meaningfully, said ''Clean my house.''
Bartender
A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L."
The bartender says, "What's an M L?"
The brunette says, "A Miller Light."
Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L"
The bartender says, "What's a B L?"
She says, "Bud Light."
A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."
The bartender says, "What's a fifteen?"
The blonde says, "7&7, duh!"
That's Really, Really Nasty &
Practical
3 bums were outside a bar.The first one went in and asked for a fork.The second
one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a
straw. At this point, the bartender became curious.
"How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?"
"Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."
Daddies Bond Over a Beer
There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one
got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said,
''So what's new in your life?''
The other responded, ''Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to
be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's
someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus.''
The other man says, ''My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle
down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach.''
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other
two men asked what's eating him. He responded, ''I just found out that my son is
gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on
the beach.''
A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for
speeding
A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.
He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"
Jenna replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating
doughnuts?
The Hamster Show
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if
he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a
hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous
Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The
bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.
Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen
Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's
been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which
the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
I'm Only Tribute Drinking
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends
behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive,
every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The
bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's
doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man
every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2
pints.
"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has
died.
"No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."