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In the Groove
A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and orders a cheeseburger.
"But make sure to make it not too well done, not too rare, but just in the
groove." The waiter is a little annoyed at this, but serves him the burger.
"Waiter!" the hippie says after a little bit. "Could I get a cup of tea? Not too
weak, not too strong, but just in the groove." More annoyed now, the waiter
contemplates pissing in the tea, but doesn''t.
"Waiter!" the hippies says a little later. "Could I get some ice cream? Not too
chocolate, not too vanilla, but just in the groove."
"Wait," said the waiter. "I have another idea. How ''bout you kiss my ass? Not
too much to the right, not too much to the left, but just in the groove."
Survival of the Fittest Brain
Cells
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained or even
improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way,
the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through
which the electrical signals pass.
Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol
kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of
this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend
parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short
years of completing university studies and then getting married and settling
down, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious
alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved
during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we
should not shudder in our homes. But get back into the bars and pubs and quaff
that pint! Your company and your country needs you to be at your peak, and at
your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career opportunities that you
could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Take life by the bottle and
be all that you can be! And remember a good cold beer will kill those bad,
useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make the necessary
room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to perform
at their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!
Lemon Squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they had a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the
juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze
one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over
timebut nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit.
"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter
had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned
to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops
fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and
asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a
weightlifter, or what?
"I work for the IRS."
The Evergreen Tree
This Avon lady was out selling her wares. She got on an elevator and pressed the
button for the fifth floor. Suddenly, she let a fart. She thought to herself,
“What am I going to do now?'' She pulled a can of pine-scented air freshener out
of her satchel and sprayed it all around her.”
The door to the elevator opened on the third floor and a rather inebriated man
gets on. The door closes and suddenly he gets a whiff and exclaims, “Smells like
somebody shit on the evergreen tree!”
Taxi Fare
A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough
room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?"
The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.
Drunken Fat Chance
A policeman stops a motorist and says, ''Excuse me sir, have you been
drinking?''
The motorist says, ''Why, have I got a fat girl next to me?''
Bad Pickup Line
Is that Windex in your pants?
Because I can sure see myself in them.
Mistaken Identity
A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"
"Make it a whisky," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.
"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.
"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were
paying."
"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."
Anyway, two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same
bartender.
The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the asshole who tried to con a
drink out of me, aren't you?"
"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer.
"I've never been to this bar before in my life!"
"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."
"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whisky."
Deadbeat in a Bar
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the
bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like
it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man
said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a
matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I guess."
Rubber Bar
Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco and pass a bar. One
condom nudges the other condom and asks, "Hey, want to go get shit-faced?"
Drunk Driver
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway.
He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that
tube.''
''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''
''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''
''Fine then, just walk this white line.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm drunk.''
Breakfast in Bed
Why do drunks throw up in the sewer?
So homeless people can have breakfast.
Women & Alcohol
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of estrogen. To
prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of
them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...
A man and his pet giraffe walk
into a bar...
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks.
As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near
the pool tables and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not
gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Pig In A Bar
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and
says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''
Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''
Poor Couple
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going
down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
Sister Anne's Hot Tip
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home and
found a $10 bill inside.
As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning
against a lamppost below.
Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the
$10 in it and dropped it out the window.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat,
went off down the street.
The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on
seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he
handed her a roll of bills. "What's this?" she asked.
"That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."
Unfaithful Wives
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber
the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends
look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Curious Pickup Line
Love's a sensation caused by temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girl's
destination, to increase the population of the next generation.
Do you understand my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?
Skeleton Crew
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!