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I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the
TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back
home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the
clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a
different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a
microwave!"
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you
should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black
belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US
is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a
truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand
in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so
funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the
circle three times!"
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw
a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like
that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go
out there and drown her."
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race,
huh?"
Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat.
She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any
maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek
help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there
could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working
perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into
the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so
hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still
strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
I'm going ice fishing!
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice
fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her
gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and
dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish
in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice
spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she
looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of
all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
Guess who knows the state
capitals?
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals
of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the
capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh,
that's easy, 'W'."
Did you hear about the blond?
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the
"Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why
they didn't get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip
poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up
exam?
Don't give us a bad name
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The
announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad
that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out
in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and
yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd
come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
Do you realize what I am?
A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through
the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk
slower?"
Your kid has been kidnapped
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a
real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a
child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a
building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning,
put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides
on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it
to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper
bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
You've got mail
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the
door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated
this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented:
"You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking
into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me
that I have mail."
Make it off the island
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated
about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."
So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from
the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess
it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she
attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as
she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too
tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better
try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and
finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she
said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Blondes change a lightbulb
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt
ourselves.
One wish to each
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic
genie's lamp.
After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three
wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.
The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a man.
What type of prize did you win?
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for
herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the
side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins
screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given
away was a stero system!"
The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues,
"You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one
of our prizes."
Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Let's take a trip to Disney
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in
Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign
saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started
driving back home.
How many sheep do I have?
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and
insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began
driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went
over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she
asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and
asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give
me back my dog."
I can't breathe without that
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her
head.
"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she
notices the blonde.
"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.
"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty
specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it
off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist
picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out,
breath in".
Shortage of parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a
plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five
of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then
the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my
backpack!"
Turn back your car odometer
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a
lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She
discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's
not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am
able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is
the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him
I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then
it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's
advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell
your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
The blonde test taker
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of
mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the
answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is
all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing
and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my
answers."
Mind telling me the time?
BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked
that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different
answer."
First experience horse riding
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted
without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and
the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip
from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot
seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck,
but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and
throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the
mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground
again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs
out to shut the horse off.
Unlocking your car
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock
the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:
Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain,
and the top is down!
Buying drinks at a bar
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their
drinks from the bartender.
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
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