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Do you see the dead bird?
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she
says sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
Slot machine winner
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a
local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.
She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes
another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became
impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever
stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine
while I'm still winning!"
I deserve a first class seat
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section
of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to
coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm
blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we
reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm
staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't
even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of
the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding
now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets
up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the
copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The
copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to
Jamaica."
Helping a blond lose weight
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five
pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that
third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Fallen bridge
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the
bridge fell down.
She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across
the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the
light off on me!"
Want me to paint for you?
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws
and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to
support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she
found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint job," she said.
"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint
my porch behind the house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and
decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with
satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of
paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
Why are you yelling that?
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft
yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green
side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green
side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the
street.
Do you know where you were
going?
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were
leaving.
Clean those restrooms
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that
said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
What's in the bag?
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they
were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening.
He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the
store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked
there, he examined each sack.
He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop
determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.
When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The
officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the
last bag.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
Three blonds on death row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette,
one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any
last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks
around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim
. . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks
around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring
her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also
says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
How do I get across that river?
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide
river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in
finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see
another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.
"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.
The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the
river!"
Blond medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
How to get across the river
A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it
searching for a way to get to the other side.
She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing
onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the
other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.
After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last
moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the
bridge.
Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor
advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would
help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased
to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor
and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I
get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
I Want Some Milk
Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you
beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she
probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons
of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and
take a milk bath."
Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"
Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."
Buying a New Farm
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up
their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so
the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to
telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200
for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The
telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and
says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
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