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Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of
genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high
prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch
yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps,
set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a
huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the
creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in
amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and
frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Blondes Are Whores, Apparently
What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
All you can eat for under a buck.
Blonde Horse Ranch
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her
neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.
This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor
suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse
snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of
the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the
black horse.
A Flaky Blonde
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really
stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
Pop Goes The Blonde
A man notices a blonde sucking on the bottom of a Coke can. Curious, he asks her
what she's doing.
"Duh! It says for best taste drink by date on the bottom."
The Blonde and Her Melons
This blonde was walking down a road, when this guy came along. The blond was
carrying a bag. The guy goes, ''What are you carrying?'' She goes, ''Melons.''
The guy goes, ''Cool. if I can guess how many there are, can I have one of
them?'' The blonde giggles and goes, ''If you can guess how many there are, you
can have BOTH of them.''
I Am Confused. Really, Really
Confused.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.
Horseback Riding
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.
The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the
horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on,
but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the
stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head
continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager
happened to walk by and unplug it.
Brain Cell
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant!
Smile if You're Blonde
Why do blondes smile when lightening flashes?
Because they think their pictures are being taken.
Blonde - Detectives
Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to
identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of
someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing
the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would
recognize the suspect.
''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''
The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think
about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how
she would recognize him.
''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.
''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him
from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said,
''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid
answer.''
After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing
contact lenses.''
This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't
tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked
at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact
lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing
contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!''
''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one
ear, now, can he?''
Barbie and Britney
Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
Comfortable
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately,
after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank
from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed
their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon
leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to
drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does
want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After
paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my
sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's
just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that
she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few
minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
Blonde - Two Coats
A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes
really are smart.
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living
room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the
task at hand.
Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of
sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she
is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women
are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her
wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said,
''FOR
Blonde's Favorite Nursery Rhyme
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme
Blonde Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she
headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she
started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she
started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE ICE.''
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The
voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
Two Blondes and Two Mice
There were two blondes as roommates and they both bought mice. When they got
home the first blonde said, "How are we going to tell them apart?"
The second blonde said, "Why don't we take one and chop off one of its legs?"
But during the night the mouse with four legs said to the mouse with three legs,
''That's not fair -- I want three legs too.'' So the mouse with three legs told
him to eat one of his legs. And so he did.
The next morning the blondes were upset about this so they did the same thing as
the day before. But again the mouse with three legs ate one of his legs. This
went on until both mice had no tails and legs. Then one of the blondes shouted,
''All right, that's it! You take the black one and I'll take the white one!''
Blonde on the Run
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find
an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the
women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a
policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks
the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.
"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
"Woof," says the brunette.
"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
"Potatoes," says the blonde.
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female
boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never
know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets
some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home
to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of
the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Ash Blonde
How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!
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