HOME
Who is doing the work around
here?
The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of
writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to
do the work.
People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work.
Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left
to do the work.
Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers.
Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three
million to do the work.
There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities
leaving half a million workers.
However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000
to do the work.
Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that
leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting
tired of doing everything myself!
Everybody, somebody, anybody,
and nobody
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody,
and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do
it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about
that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but
Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that
Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
The requirements of this job
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
wrong, they said I was responsible."
A tight travel budget
All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel
policy.
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 2000
Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these
policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.
Transportation
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be
purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme
circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting
with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to
Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent
safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company
business trips.
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company
business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be
exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good
weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be
noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly
Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can
often be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous
roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If
restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering
"all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees
travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business.
Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your
leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.
Entertainment
Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required
for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab".
Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we
are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him",
not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet
cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in
the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common
effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already
suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which
could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will
be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for
helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic
roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time
permits.
The ten ifs of employment
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. if it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!
Repairing the phone
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular
truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of
commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there
was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon
completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
How you made money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple
and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire
day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this
system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two
million dollars."
Telemarketers go away
How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever
pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won\'t shut up, just listen to their
sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you\'ll need to go
get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping
or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your
credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?"
Or you can say, "I\'m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days
and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore,
my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just
continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he\'s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his
name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as
necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie
and I\'m with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds
pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is
this really you? I can\'t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this
will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where
the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an
even tempo even as they\'re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can
keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don\'t have any
friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all
flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to
someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling
from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How\'s business/the weather? Too bad
the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don\'t really want to get a call at
home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
Nerds versus jocks
An answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a
nerd?"
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he
averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day
(working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions
of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while
he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes
$7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole
12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to
do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed
$33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred
account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at
8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll
make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago
restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for
all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
But:
Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth
equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
Nerds win!
New element was found
Administratrium, The New Element
AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0.
However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and
111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312
particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous
exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be
detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with.
According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction
to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one
second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies
have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in
the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental
agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the
newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not
promising.
Equation of earnings
The Equation
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is
true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work = Power * Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work = Knowledge * Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
Money = ----------
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is
done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of
Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an
undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.
Question and answer
Definition: A manager is a person who thinks that nine women can
produce a child in one month.
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Robots: Our Steel Collar Workers.
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Q: What's the difference between Xerox and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic had a band.
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Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A: A dependent Claus.
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Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors?
A: A superior being.
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Q: What is the difference between big foot and a socially responsible banker?
A: Big foot has been sighted.
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Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back
of his grey suit?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk."
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Q: How do you confuse a bank teller?
A: Give him a bag of M&M's and tell him to alphabetize them.
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Q: Why is a BMW a banker's favorite car?
A: Because he can't spell Porsche.
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Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude
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If bankers can count, how come the average bank has 10 windows and only four
tellers?
Lost in a balloon
Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while,
the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two
balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and
away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon
near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking
below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:
"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"
The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into
space for a minute, and then cries out:
"You're in a balloon!"
The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist
says to the other:
"That man must be a manager."
"Why?"
"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly
correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!"
Main Vice President
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the
company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means
nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the
grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
Fake two dollar bill
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday
cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a
$50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure
that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about
people getting upset with me.
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of
funny and says
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following
conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
IT: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and .
. .
IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."
[it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor
mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around
the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin
laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy
comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has
is a fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says . . .
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at
him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says:
SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned
on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things,
too. It makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens
when I try to buy stuff.
Paying in advance
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was
crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what
had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been
worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
Bad Japanese economy
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no
signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that
Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its
branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a
song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at
Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on
at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Travel in a sailboat
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could
swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk
business."
Wealthy investors
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager,
"I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and
trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as
we catch him."
Bank customer service
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when
I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned
over and pushed me."
A walking economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a
psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of
these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
I'm at the wrong bank
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank
10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.
9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging
for toast.
8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.
7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English.
6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.
5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.
4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants.
3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.
2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED.
1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez
Newest ATM machines
"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected
to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your
money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting
robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle
man." - Jay Leno
Daughter in college
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for
embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in
handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were
you going to get the rest of the money?"
Investment counselor
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd
and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she
needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young
lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first
applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond
question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest.
Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid
back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Buy machine factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a
potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two
thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one
o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now,
which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that
whistle?"