HOME
Toothbrush Salesman
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement
for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he
calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a
neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man,
I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enough”
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people
would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to
his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but
you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with
one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free
chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This
tastes like shit.”
And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
Yo Mama's... Ugly
Yo mama's so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job
application.
Hilarious Signs
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with
a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Bring Your Daughter to Work Day
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The
little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call
her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary
is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the
computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when
you lay her down on the couch."
Yo Mama's Work Ethic
Yo mama got sacked from a sperm bank for drinking on the job!
Megastore, Megasale
The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman.
"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.
"One," replied the new guy.
"Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?"
The salesman answered, "$58,334."
Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
"First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a
reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast.
So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said
his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive
department and sold him a big SUV."
The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"
"No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for
his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. You should probably go
fishing."
Microsoft in Detroit?
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000
mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the
statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also
noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new
car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and
you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would
accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five
times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the
roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their
cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Bumper Sticker Sayings
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cat.
30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Husbands' Performance
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as
lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He
always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play
rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft.
He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when
I get it.''
The Raffle
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond
necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start
dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her
husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start
dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink
coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah
I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one
inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch
of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket
wet."
Job Application
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They
both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to
hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest,
but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the
rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you
missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected
applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on
question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
Shoot The Pig
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes
he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road
and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should
I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when
it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a
bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
Bill Gates' Honeymoon
After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company
Microsoft.
Retired Marine
A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that
appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,
"Do you have any military experience?"
The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."
"I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"
The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had
a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."
The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to
work on Monday at 10:00am."
"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any
special treatment just because of my disability."
The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally
comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit
around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."
How to Sell a Bible
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some
people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even
thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he
suffered from a speech impediment.
So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher
looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75."
"That is good," the preacher replied.
He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement
said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did
he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or
I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''
Braggadocio
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now
owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his
choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office,
but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new
mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock
Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his
friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a
disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the
plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million
dollars in stock for his birthday."
Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't
any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't
have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of
Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
Your paycheck bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.
Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker
Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms.
President."
You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor
"I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
I Can Tell This Job Sucks
Already
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your
feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
Work Blows
What's the difference between a wife and a job?
After ten years the job still sucks!