HOME
Phone Line
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a
beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the
businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal
working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''
''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
If _____ Made Toasters
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all
brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel
Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away
and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which
takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread
to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for
five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive
slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know
anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces
of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth
and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of
it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the
blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The
X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only
the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the
single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist
toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank
that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would
have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster
that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone
would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but
five years earlier.
The Millennium Kid
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their
wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
''Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins.''
''What a coincidence,'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team.''
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You sir,
are the father of triplets.''
''Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence '' he answered. ''I work for the
3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse
came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man -- who had been quiet in the
corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. ''Don't tell me! Another coincidence?'' asked
the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ''I don't believe it,
I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!''
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just
fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some
time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you
could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have
never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that
job at Millennium Computers...''
Why I Am So Tired
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins,
dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired
because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That
leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government
and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the
work.
You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.
Fishing for a Week
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come
up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a
lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment,
and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
Yo mama's So Poor
Yo mama is so poor, she had to get a part-time job painting skittles.
Signs You've Had Enough of the
New Millenium
1) You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2) You now think of three espressos as ''getting wasted.''
3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5) You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he
emails you back, ''What's for dinner?''
6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8) You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one
for your email buddies via a Web page.
9) Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate
used to play.
10) Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the
screen.
11) You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for
half the price you paid.
12) The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase is foreign to you.
13) Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the
backseat of your car.
14) Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
email addresses.
15) You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16) You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."
17) Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
18) You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
19) You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.
20) You think a ''half-day'' means leaving at 5 o'clock.
21) You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
Inventions by Idiots
1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.
Laxative Cough Therapy
A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong.
His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a
laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss
comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He
points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says,
"Look at him -- he's afraid to cough."
Writing's Powerful Message
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a
"great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world
will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff
that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the
columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY
EXPECTED.
''Yes.''
Oreo Psycho-Personality Test
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies
provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing - this means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be
with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people
who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination,
but that's OK, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly.
You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the Point of
being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if
you're only going to go the speed limit
4. Feverish Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly.
You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental
break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar
coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good ones. You
are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity
towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious
nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work,
though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the
evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You
are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business
and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You
are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed
of yourself. But that's OK, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals
and seek professional medical help- immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come
from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and
wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima
donna. There's just no pleasing you.
Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past
few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8,
and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an
economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that
crashes four times a day?"
Blonde Secretary's Memo to her
Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest,
none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished
the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next
year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be
distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
Carpet
A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he
was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and
discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in
the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing
it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer
and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented
on what a nice job he had done.
''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your
cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen
my gerbil?''
Romantic Pink Slip
Dear __________________________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as
Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and
dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the
final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come
available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic
endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)
__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it,
or subjecting my children to it.
__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's
reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
__ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates
that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you
can't GET into my pants.
__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly at recess. AMEN!
__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss
you.
__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a
little disconcerting.
__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you
are some sort of psychotic stalker.
__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long
term partner.
__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.
__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV'
demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.
__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.
__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Microsoft and a Halter Top
What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!
The Chinese Workman
A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He
gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman
to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow
to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman
having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give
them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the
workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him
going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is
getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells,
"SUPPLIES!"
The Engineer's Love Life
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to
spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said, “I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.
The artist said, “I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and
mystery I found there.”
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they questioned.
The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done."
A Horoscope For The Workplace
ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The
Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like,
dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the
Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have
you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid
having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing,
which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible
with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree,"
you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you
to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can
"concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game
throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead
content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often
even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is
written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said
that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be
happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic"
gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune
from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;
combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you
tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other
person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls
today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet
completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the
rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your
worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to
marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle
Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined
to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone
in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from
taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little
cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer
Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with
your boss.