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Man Walks Into a Lawyer's
Office...
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
Signs You're Burned Out
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, 'Hell.'
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Get
off my back, bitch!'
8. Your garbage can IS your 'in' box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you
just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still
haven't been able to miss a meeting.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
If Microsoft Was Looking for
Drivers
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would
perform illegal operations and crash.
Redneck Theft
You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested
for stealing food stamps.
Prison vs. Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you
spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal
and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good
behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must
carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV
and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just
ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even
speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes
from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work
there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
Executive Decision
A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and
he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions.
Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.
"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours
in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."
"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."
She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk
among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll
along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the
end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony,
looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty
of heaven.
The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her
off to Satan.
Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to
a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and
previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up
on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and
she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.
After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of
golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and
gossip.
After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty
and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her
shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan
himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and
famous people.
At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As
she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders
eternity.
The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.
"I've decided on hell," she announces.
"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of
hell.
Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is
wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren
desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.
"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.
"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
The Boss
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to
the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is
the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why
it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one.
He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer
incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
IBM and Lightbulbs
How many IBM employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000: one to hold up the light bulb, and 9,999 to turn the building around.
Rules For Work
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it
to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me
at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance
to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door
for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with
no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my
limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am
psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to
go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean
a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact,
save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know
anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your
life and send you straight to managers' hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know
someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so
much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been.
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not
here for the money anyway
Windows 666
Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately
recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give
you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like
to see both before making a decision.
So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini
models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem
so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which
seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a
few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."
Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging
above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened
to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that,"
says God. "That was just the demo."
Monkey Business
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a
string and put a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the
stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs,
spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After awhile, another monkey makes an
attempt with the same result. Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the
stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it
with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To
his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and
attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original monkey
with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two
of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to
climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest
monkey.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which
have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey
ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way it's always
been around here. And that's how company policy begins...
Thermos and Blonde
A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos.
She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, ''It keeps hot
things hot, and cold things cold''
The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, ''What do you have in
it?'' she says, ''Soup, and ice cream!''
Saving Her Butt
A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home
sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.
She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her
to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him
their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this
before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."
C.E.O. D.U.M.B
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss
standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary
walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss
says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
I Hit Two of My Best Balls
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He
said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.
"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.
"I stepped on a rake."
Yo mama's so stupid...
Yo' mama so stupid, she filled out a job application and where it said, "Don't
Write Below This Line," she wrote "Okay!"
Blonde Loses Sweet Job
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She threw away all the "W&W's"
Blonde Welfare
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Wanted: Dead Or Alive
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted
to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."
Disarming the Guard
Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he
took one more step, I'd let him have it.''
Clem: ''What did thief do then?''
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun
anyhow!