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The Retirement Party
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of
work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to
express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later
he could remember how his staff "miss" him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will
never be the same,"
"We will always remember you," etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your
heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working
with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do
you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS."
Redneck Job Interview
You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, '“Did you know that we are a
Fourtune 500 Company?'”
And you answer '“What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't been to that
one yet.”
You Work for the Government
When:
* The process becomes more important than the product
* You don''t see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know
nothing about
* You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there
* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one
answering them.
* You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people
to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money
* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym
* You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms
* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance.
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor (2) The same
meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
* You''ve sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but
have had 3 different business cards
Dictaphone
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
Instant-Win Airbags!
DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market
down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag
contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent,
high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in
all of the company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of
marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales
significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next
fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or
a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is
already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh,
boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin
Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were
driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the
car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could
think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that
airbag!"
Hartford, CT, resident Jonathan Ryerson was killed Sunday when his 1997 Pontiac
LeMans hit a freight train. Ryerson won $50 in the accident. "It's really
addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her
hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain
hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying
to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to
win those tickets--even if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac
Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag
contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks,
and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and,
sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a
new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who
wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that
prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest
rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1
in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car
accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of
winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will
inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier,"
said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was
the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really
gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of
his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just
wrong."
Not So Saved by the Bell
The preacher was very distraught after the death of the bell ringer the day
before and didn't know what to do. He began the search for another bell ringer.
Many people tried, but none could match the talents of the bell ringer he had
before.
Finally, when the priest had all but given up hope, an armless man came to apply
for the job. The priest was ready to turn him away, how could an armless man do
justice to the bells of his church?
The man pleaded with him and told him he was the brother of the man who died the
day before. When the priest heard that he decided that out of respect for his
brother he must allow him to try.
The man thanked the priest and began to throw his shoulder into the bell. The
priest could hardly believe the wonderful tones coming from the bells. As the
priest was about to appoint him the bell ringer the man ran once more for the
bell. But this time he tripped and fell to his death on the street.
The priest ran out and a large crowd had gathered. Someone shouted ''Does any
one know this man? ''
To which the priest replied, '' I don't know his name but he's a dead ringer for
his brother''
How To Get A Raise
A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and
in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to
start?''
''In 3 months.''
Office English Dictionary
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or
a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for
references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income,Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
It Ain't Surgery
A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon's house. After a
2-minute job, he demanded $75.
"I don't charge this amount even though I'm a surgeon."
"You're right -- that's why I switched from surgery to plumbing!"
Prison Carpenter
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along
well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down,
Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while
doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local
area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of
the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was
over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of
the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards
and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into
his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is
what got me into prison in the first place.''
Gary Condit's Fowl Behavior
Gary Condit quit politics and got a job at KFC. Why did they fire him?
He couldn't keep his hands off the legs and breasts.
The Three Horses of the
Apocalypse
The world is going to end in three days, so God calls the three most important
leaders on the planet to help him break the news to the masses: Bill Clinton,
Bill Gates and Jean Creitian.
Bill Clinton goes back to America and tells Congress and the Senate that he has
bad news and good news. The bad news is the world is going to end in three days,
the good news is that they can finally stop all those investigations of him.
Bill Gates goes back to Seattle and tells Microsoft that he has bad news and
good news. The bad news is that the world will end in three days. The good news
is that there won't be a follow up to Windows 98.
Jean Creitian goes back to Canada and says he has good news, really good news
and amazingly good news: "The good news god thinks I am a world leader, the
really good news is that all those problems with the budget won't exist in three
days and the amazingly good news is that I won't have to put up with that
annoying little twit Preston Manning any more."
Human Resource Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their
wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't
know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure
how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But
now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
New Rules For Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can
do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A''''''''''''''''
will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with
''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If
you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees''''''''''''''''
supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our
employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax
$11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs
$1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee
$5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance
$16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability
$0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair
rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts
$3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air
$20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home
Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
People Who Should've Won This
Years Nobel Prize
1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books,
despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an
overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed
each other.
5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200
video game system during a recession.
6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects
besides beer and models.
7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and
achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was
questioned by no one.
8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of
containing her ass.
9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on
coast to coast flights.
10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs
it produces.
Top 10 Funny Store Signs
1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one
just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don''t you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don''t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get
fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we''ll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
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Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the
administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to
start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's
work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
Lost with Translation
The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?"
campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the
Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.:
"Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be
the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it
came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually
stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French
chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron,
into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people
had use for the manure stick.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they
discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers
off"
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were
chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German
is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink"
into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid
Pregnancy - Use Quink."
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they
translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The
slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the
Grave."
In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the
much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it
right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly
like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that
they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse
stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked
out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with
"ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness
in the mouth."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to
learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English
weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a
non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it
doesn't go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the
company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford
pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel"
which means horse.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found
out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's
inside since most people can't read.
In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as
"Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."