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Questions Not To Ask In
Foreign Lands
By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”
FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”
ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”
POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”
GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”
TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”
KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”
CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”
ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”
SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”
YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics
And Dust' ?”
INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”
ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your
pregnant son!”
CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”
SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”
SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”
MEXICO
“What's that smell?”
SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”
RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”
UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”
GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”
JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”
AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”
AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”
Intelligent Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to
live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There
were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly
trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager,
Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" --
George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee
Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his
Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel
Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to
bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning,
when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a
problem with forest fires.” – George Bush
Bill Gates Buys Some Lovin'
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill
says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like
to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has
skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."
Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill
her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling
"God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name
..... Microsoft."
Carefully Placed Periods
There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but
complicated job.
One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy
a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80.
He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.
Unfortunitely when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the
keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.
That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the
guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.
And the moral to this story is:
"Guys get in trouble over missed periods."
After Great Britain's Beer
Festival...
After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would
be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.
The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a
Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of
Beers.' One Budweiser please."
The bartender gives him one.
Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water;
give me a Coors."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken
aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a
Guiness?"
The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither
will I."
Attention Shoppers!
Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart?
Because he heard kids pants were half-off!
24 Fun Things To Do In An
Elevator...
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough
air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting
off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then
act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until
you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've
got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now,
damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
A guy decides to buy a new...
A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out
of tunafish."
So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."
But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."
The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"
Then the salesman takes his earplugs out, and says, "Oh I'm sorry, I couldn't
hear you. I thought you were a guy who wanted tunafish."
Yo mama is so dumb...
Yo mama is so dumb she thought taco bell was a Mexican phone company
Where do one legged people?
Where do one legged people work?
IHOP!!
Why did the blonde get fired...
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She was throwing away all the W's.
Understanding Marketing
Understanding Marketing
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm
fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have
one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic
in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your
clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag
after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in
bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I
hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
Chair Man of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts
or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one
chair."
Dirty Tricks
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch
with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing
what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"
Soy Toy
While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three
soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife,
and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
“Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.”
“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my
indiscretion,” she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore,
was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
“I’m curious though,” he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?”
“Oh that, ” his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I
sold out!”
Dr. Doctor
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to:
"Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they
changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought
might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
Job Fair
A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose.
"Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the
geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were
right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered
'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
A blonde comes home and finds
her mom dead ...
A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the floor.
But she goes to work, and starts crying and her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "Well, my mom died."
He told her to go home but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
About an hour later her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
And she says, "Well, I just talked to my sister, and her mom died too!"
A manager walks into his
office...
A manager walks into his office and sees a blonde crying. He approaches her and
asks why she's crying. She tells him she just found out her mother died. The
manager tells her to go to take the rest of the day off and not to worry about
work. Later, the manager calls the blonde to see how she's doing. The blonde is
crying harder than before. He tries to console her, but he couldn't. The blonde
says, "I was calling everyone to let them know about my mother's death and I
found out something horrible." "What?" the manager replied. "I found out my
sister''s mom died too!"