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Michael Jackson's Baby
What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
"Which one's Mommy?"
Three-Legged Race
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30
mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his
car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping
up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn
behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm
lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he
had just seen.
The farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of
chicken because the he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they
have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do
they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
Call on an Expert
Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed
a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a
doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they
consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he
could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and
patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the
quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an
expert!” The man replied, “No sir I'm just a tax collector.”
The Call of Nature
One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be
excused: “Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?” Knowing what the kid
wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But,
within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could
actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so
fact.The girl responded, “It was a prank call.”
Inky Pig
Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
Because it came out of the pen.
Ice Cream Lessons
Where would you learn how to make ice cream?
At Sundae school.
What's dangerous and swings from
trees?
What's dangerous and swings from trees?
A monkey with a chainsaw!
Little Girls Who Suck
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Voices! Voices! Shut up!
A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely hear the child speaking
since the other kids were making too much noise. In an attempt to quiet them,
she said, ''I can hear voices!''
Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, ''Jeez, she
better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!''
Clown joke: read at own risk
There once was a little kid named Billy who loved clowns. I mean LOVED them. He
had posters of them all over his wall and pictures of them everywhere.
One day his parents took him to the Circus to see all of the clowns. He was so
excited! He never saw one up close before! In the middle of the show, a tiny
little car came out and out came 20 clowns! He was cheering so loud he couldn't
speak for a couple minutes. Just then, the Leader of the Clowns took a
microphone and asked for a volunteer. Billy raised his hand and shouted ''Me!
Me!'' The clown looked around and said ''You!'' as he pointed at Billy. He was
so happy!
Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown looked down at him and asked,
''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy said ''No...'' ''Are you the horse's ears?''
''No...'' Then the clown got an evil look in his eye as he said ''Then you must
be the horse's ass!'' The whole tent shook with laughter, and Billy cried his
eyes out. He couldn't believe a clown made fun of him like that! He swore
revenge!
Billy grew up, he went to college, got a job, got married, and had a few kids,
but still never forgot what that clown did to him. One morning he saw an ad in
the paper for the same circus, and decided to go. He knew the PERFECT insult to
get him back! When he told his wife and kids he was going his kids asked if they
could goto the circus with him. He calmly said ''No. Daddy has something he
needs to do there.'' In the middle of the show, a little car came out and out
came about 20 clowns. The crowd cheered, except for Billy. The Leader of the
Clowns took a microphone. It was the same Clown! Billy was so excited that he
could now get revenge!
The clown asked for a volunteer. Billy calmly raised his hand. The clown picked
him! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown said ''Are you the horse's
nose?'' Billy stayed calm and said ''No.'' The clown asked ''Are you the horse's
ears?'' Billy replied ''No.'' Then the clown said ''Then you must be the horse's
ass!''
Billy knew his time had come. As the crowd laughed and everyone cheered, his
anger grew. Now was the time for revenge. He looked deep into the clown's eyes
and said...
''Fuck you, Clown.''
Shoulda Quit While...
A man and woman had a son but when he was born all he was was a head. The
doctors didn't expect him to live very long. But the boy survived, so on his
eighteenth birthday his father took him out to a bar for a drink.
The father ordered his son a scotch and when the boy drank it, out popped an
arm. He was ecstatic so he drank another shot, and out popped another arm. Now
the boy was in glee, so he drank another shot, and out popped a torso. And so on
and so forth, until there was a whole body.
The boy was so happy that he ran out of the bar and into the street and got hit
by a truck, killing him instantly. A drunkard in the corner looked at the father
and said, ''He shoulda quit while he was a head!''
Strawberry Manure
A little boy runs across this farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy
asks him what he is going to do with all that cow poop. The farmer tells the
little boy, ''I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries.''
The little boy looks up at the farmer and says, ''I don't know where you come
from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.'''
Joe and Wanda had a small
apartment...
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only
way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the
apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the
neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of
fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new
bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Cruel Joke
What did the blind, deaf, mute quadraplegic boy get for Christmas?
Cancer!
Catching Rabbits
Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way.
Say Cheese
What's the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles.
Why?
Because there's a mile between the first and last letters.
Krazy Homework Excuses
Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally forgot!
My older sister couldn't find her same homework from last year.
The dog did it for me, but it was in his language.
The paper airplane I made out of it accidentally flew out the window.
I fell asleep on it and when I woke up all my drool smudged all the ink.
It is here it's just in invisible ink!
Satan told me not to do it!
I'm at school?!? I thought this was an AA meeting.
My dad's pen ran out of ink.
My Mom ate my homework!
National Pastime
Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I'll show you a
man who never played doctor when he was a kid!
Grandma's Birthday
What do you give an 80 yr-old grandma for her birthday?
Mikey, he'll eat anything!
Daddy's Face
“Mama, why is daddy's face pale?”
“Shut up and keep digging.”