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I'd Rather Have a Puppy
A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs
having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The
father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little
boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The
little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”
Christmas Cookie Dough
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her
over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie
dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next
morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so
this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie
dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then
Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes
later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I
shot the cat!''
Little Johnny's Big Answer
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and
there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave
early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
Things I've Learned from My
Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to
rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong
enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old
man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire
even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on
water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It
will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Baby Talk
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls
have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Sex Relatively Speaking
"Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?"
Dad replied ''That's Grandpa!"
New Lifesavers' Flavor
It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste
association.
''I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it
is,'' she tells the children.
So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, ''What flavor is that?''
The whole class answers, ''Mmmm, that's cherry.''
''Very good,'' the teacher replies.
So she gives them all a grape and they reply, ''Mmm, that's grape.''
''Very good,'' she says again.
Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the
strange taste, so the teacher says, ''OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something
your parents might call each other.''
Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, ''Spit 'em out everyone, they're
ASSHOLES!''
Children's Games
A little boy runs into his house and asks, “Mom, can little girs have babies?”
The mom answers, “No, of course not.” The little boy runs outside, yelling,
“It's ok, we can play the game again!”
Mommy and Daddy Dearest
There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture
of a deer.
So the teacher asks Bobby, “What is this animal called?”
“I dunno,” claims Bobby.
So then she says, “I'll give you a hint—it's what your mother calls your
father.”
The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that's what a son of a bitch
looks like!”
Chores on the Farm
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done
your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and
feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished
he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking
cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and
feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a
plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my
eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I
saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now
you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his
mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
Uncle Tommy's Closet
A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds coming from
his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed
sweating bullets.
''What the hell is going on?'' he says.
''I'm having a heart attack!!''
So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing
this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle
Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's naked'' So he slams the
phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet.
The man, then says. ''What the hell are you doin? My wife is having a heart
attack, and your here running around naked, scaring the kids? You shoud be
ashamed of yourself!"
Feet First
One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of
the body went to heaven first.
Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.
Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.
Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny
said, "Your feet."
Confused, the pastor asked why.
Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet
in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
It's What's for Dinner
A woman goes to the local butcher to buy some meat for dinner. The butcher tells
her that he is out of everything except, “dam ham.”
The woman buys the ham and goes home to cook it for her family. Her husband
comes home from work and asks what she's cooking. “It's dam ham,” she tells him.
The woman, her husband and their son are at the table eating later that evening
when the husband says, “Pass me the dam ham.”
The child then says, “While you're at it, pass me the fuckin' potatoes.”
Mom's Sponge
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He
points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied
with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy
catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for
bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon.
Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it.
His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back
in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found
my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"
Little Nancy's Pet
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over
the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just
buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't
it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's
inside your stupid cat."
Zip, Dick and Pee
There were once three boys in a classroom called Zip, Dick and Pee. Their
teacher went out of the classroom so they decided to get up to some mischeif.
Zip got on top of the cupboard, Dick got inside and Pee jumped around outside.
The teacher came back in and said, ''Zip down, Dick out and Pee in the corner!''
Actual School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by
schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and
also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in
the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very
close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe)
the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't
know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend
with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not
breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore
throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot
last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is
gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Teaching A Buncha Hooligans
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly
turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title
the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is
an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more
severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So
she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from
another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Lipstick at School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was
faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls
would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
Jokes On You, Teacher
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same
word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the
board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"