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Little Big Fart
There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't
come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no
fart.''
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell
him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The
doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then
nothing will.''
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''
The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!"
Love Is Blindness
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
First Grade Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the
class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's
what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your
nose.
Urinate
Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning
of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, “Okay class, we're going to go around
the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.”
Sarah said, “Cows have spots.
Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.”
Carla said, “Computers are electronic.”
Bobby said, “Urinate.”
Mrs. Flebs said, “Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.”
Bobby said, “Not ‘urinate’, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits
you'd be a ten.”
Cherry Pop
Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they
make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."
"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll
be doing it."
"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about
a hard liquor."
"Exactly."
The Truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one
dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I
know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the
front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20
and says, “Just don't tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets
him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says,
“Please don't say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the
mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole
truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give
your FATHER a big hug.”
Stone Surprise
One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing
naked. All of a sudden one of the boys took off running. The other boy took off
after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.
"Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would
turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."
Chicken Wire & Duct Tape
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey
boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs
and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging
behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy
walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by,
trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in
it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a
long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
Dad Eats Lightbulbs
Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does
something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father
eats lightbulbs.
"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.
"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said 'I'll only eat
that thing if you turn out the light.'"
No Punishment
Boy: Will you punish me for something i didn't do?
Teacher: Of corse not!
Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first
writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a
new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been
a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with
disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the
Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece
of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother
again..."
The Teacher's Gift
It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for
their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you
know?"
“Just a lucky guess,” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box.
She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again
said, “Just a lucky guess.'”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a
box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the
boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her
tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.
Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.
He said happily, “A puppy!”
Smart Pills
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit.
One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you
smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''
Children and Cars
Children in the back of the car cause accidents.
Accidents in the back of the car cause children.
And Who Are These for, Little
Boy?
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The
nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier
responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old
responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your
sister -- then who are they for?"
The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The
cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"
The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these,
you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those
things."
Subway Series School
On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, "Who here is a Mets fan?"
Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their
hands, except for one girl, Rosie.
The teacher asked, "Who do you like, little girl?" Rosie replied, "I'm a Yankees
fan and I hate the Mets."
The teacher asked why and Rosie told her that her parents were Yankees fans, so
she was too. The teacher said to the class, "So if Rosie's parents were idiots,
what would that make her?"
Rosie chimed in, "A Mets fan!!!"
Church
One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through,
the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to
go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about
five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back.
There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''
Anything But Cheerios
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The
7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin
swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old
says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and
you say 'ass'.''
The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother
walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The
7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs,
bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother
then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''
''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not
gonna be Cheerios!''