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Bring Your Daughter to Work Day
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The
little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call
her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary
is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the
computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when
you lay her down on the couch."
Piss Off Winnie the Pooh
How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.
Father's Day Product Placement
On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes
scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup
of coffee and says,''Try it dad.''
The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little
boy asks,''How do you like it Dad?''
The dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This
is....something else, I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.''
The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.''
As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and
says,''Hey! Why did you put army men in here?''
The little boy again smiles and sings,''The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS
In Your Cup.''
Nursery Crimes
Nursery Crimes:
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
they didnt know that Georgie was gay.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, was he pushed,
or did he fall?
I pushed him.
Mary had a little lamb,
she tied it to a pilon.
1000 volts went up its arse,
and turned it in to nylon.
Baa baa black sheep,
have you any wool?
Yes sir yes sir,
two balls full.
Elephant and Rhino
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Answer: ell-if-i-no (Hell if I know)
Gonna Marry
A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm
gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own
family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Stoopid Baby Names
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked
up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up
to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Fridge."
Smartass Record Shop
A lady walks into the local record store.
"Do you have Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" she asks.
"No, but I've got dangling balls and a 7-inch," says the smartass behind the
counter. The lady thinks for a second.
"Is that a record?"
"I think so. I'm only 14."
Little Johnny's Wish
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door
was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and
touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the
bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room,
stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a
bike! I need a bike!"
Daughter's Prayer
A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to
her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord,
why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
S & M
One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M
magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got
home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him,
"What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
Math Trouble
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in
the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her
mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse
playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+
in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math
-- do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man
on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious
about math!”
Code for Love
There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going
to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.''
One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write
a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said, ''The red ribbon
is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him.
One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a
letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.''
Boy Scout
Why did the boy scout get kicked out?
He was caught eating a brownie!
They're Busy
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are
there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"
"Looking for me."
At Least I Know That You Were
Thinking
A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby, what is round and red?''
Bobby says, ''A banana!'' The teacher says, ''No, Bobby, it's an apple, but at
least I know that you were thinking.''
The teacher asks him again what is long and yellow and Bobby says, ''An apple!''
The teacher says, ''No Bobby, but at least you you were thinking.''
Bobby then looked down in his desk and asked the teacher, ''What is 4 inches
long, yellow and has red on the tip?'' The teacher says, ''BOBBY!! Is that what
I think it is? A penis?'' Bobby says, ''No, it's a match, but at least I know
you were thinking!!''
The Rescue
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for
help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He
thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted
a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those,
son, you're not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out
whose life I saved.”
Confused Child in Wedding Party
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he
would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's
side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like
claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way
down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so
hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the
laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring
Bear."