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Cheatin' Johnny
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and
said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson,
I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first
president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George
Washington,’ and so did you.”
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”
“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed
the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president during
the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”
Smoke Rings
Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy
said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."
The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him
do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."
Dirty Honey
A kid stands up in class and says, "Teacher, teacher, does honey have legs?"
And the teacher replies, "No, why do you ask?"
"Because," says the little boy, "Last night I heard my dad saying, 'honey open
your legs, honey open your legs!'"
Zookeeper and Three Boys
A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them
their names and what they're up to.
The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the
lions."
The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the
lions."
The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."
Malcolm in the Puddle
Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?
Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.
Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.
Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but where's the p?
Malcolm: Miss, it's running down my leg!
Finding The Lord
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might
be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis
on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in
our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the
bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?'"
Peeing in the Pool
A boy was at a public pool.
The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, ''Hey! Don't pee in the
pool!''
The boy replied, ''But everybody does it!''
''Not from the diving board!'' shouted the lifeguard.
Technically and Reality?
One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between
'technically' and 'reality.'
"Son, I won't tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse
you. But to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if
she will sleep with a bum for $500,000 and ask your sister is she'll sleep with
the garbageman for the same amount." So, the little boy goes up to his mom.
"Mommy, would you ever sleep with a bum for $500,000?"
"You bet your ass I would!" exclaims the mother. So the little boy goes up to
his sister's bedroom.
"Hey sis, would you sleep with the garbageman for $500,000?"
"I sure would!" exclaims his sister.
"Dad, Dad! Mom and sis both said they would. What does that mean?"
"Well, son," the father says. "Technically, we're millionares but in reality we
live with a couple of dirty whores!"
Field Trip to the Racetrack
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers
went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry.
During the tour, some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the
boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice,
the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits,
one by one.
As she lifted one up in this manner, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. but thanks for
the lift anyhow."
Blonde Boobies
Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?
It hurts to boil their nipples!
Children's Books That Didn't
Make It
1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose
And In A Year I'll Be Five
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world.
When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool
playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
Where's the P?
A little boy was in school, he raised his hand and asked the teacher to go to
the bathroom.
The teacher said, “First you have to say your abc's.”
So the kid says, “abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.”
The teacher says, “You forgot the P. Where's the P.”
And the boy says, “running down my leg.”
Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to
kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid,
took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''
She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put
$10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the
north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to
the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with
a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''
The Cookies Crumbled
What is green and yellow and lies in a pile of cookie crumbs?
A beat-up girl scout.
Rectum
Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."
"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"
Little Johnny's Prognosis
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her
Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room
- yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing.
Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, "I hope
you don't mind my Little Johnny playing in there."
"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as
he finds the poison."
Little Johnny's "Bookish" Father
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try
something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and
to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your
father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he
would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was
here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K,
no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told
him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew
how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the
teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he
would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
How Do You Like That?
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the
baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and
goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are
you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, I'm not your father.”
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked,
“Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of
the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head
while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”
The Millennium Kid
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their
wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
''Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins.''
''What a coincidence,'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team.''
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You sir,
are the father of triplets.''
''Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence '' he answered. ''I work for the
3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse
came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man -- who had been quiet in the
corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. ''Don't tell me! Another coincidence?'' asked
the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ''I don't believe it,
I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!''
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just
fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some
time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you
could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have
never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that
job at Millennium Computers...''