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Those Darn Kids
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were sitting in the pub discussing
families. The talk turned to children and each was surprised to find out that
they all had 14-year-old daughters.
The Englishman explained that his problem was that he had found cigarette butts
under his daughter's bed, I didn't know she smoked, was his lament.
The Frenchy then proclaimed that he had found whiskey bottles under his child's
bed. I was not aware that she drank, he moaned.
The Irishman was adamant that he had the more pressing problem -- he had found
condoms under his darling daughter's bed. I didn't know she had a dick, he
wailed.
Nickel-Diming Johnny
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner
market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would
constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles
short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice
between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said
"Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is
worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or
what?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face
and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I
have saved $20!"
The Definition of
A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word
fascinate in it. A little girl stands up and says, ''Walt Disney World is so
fascinating.''
The teacher says, ''No, that's not correct. I said, fascinate.''
Another little girl stands up and says, ''There's so much fascination when it
comes to sea life.''
The teacher again says, ''No, the word is fascinate.''
So a little boy in the back of the room stands up and says, ''Well, my sister
has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her
shirt.''
Things Children Have Learned
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
In the Family Closet
Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says
''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he can in with the lady next
door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and
laid down on the bed...''
The mother interupts him. ''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!''
When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and
says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Jonny and says '' tell daddy exactly what you told me
today!''
''I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and
they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down
on the bed...just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.''
Seagull's Final Resting Place
A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull
lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, ''Dad, what happened to the
birdie?''
His dad told him, ''Son, the bird died and went to heaven.''
Then the boy asked, ''Did God throw him back down?''
Are You Ready for Children?
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared
for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute
roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this
could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure
that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag
until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.
Gimmie an "R"
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all
the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the
teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in
the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.''
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out
loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at
him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't
cooked enough.''
Words of Wisdom from Children
Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? don't answer him. -
Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment. - Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8 '
ABC
Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of
the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears
would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the
class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg."
Jumping Rope
Two teenagers were walking through a park when they saw two rabbits getting it
on, fast and furious.
"What are they doing?" asked the girl.
"They're jumping rope," said the boy. "Maybe I'll teach you how someday."
"I think I want you to teach me now," said the girl. So the two went behind some
bushes and started getting it on. When the boy had his pants down, the girl
asked what that was behind his "rope."
"That," said the boy, "that's my knot."
"Well," said the girl, "untie the knot and give me some more rope."
Donations To The Preacher
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him
a lot of money when he grew up.
''Well, thank you,'' the pastor replied, ''but why?''
''Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!''
Name That Animal, Kids
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher
held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what
your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
Bed Time
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed,
''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''
''No. You had your chance.''
A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?''
''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''
''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?''
First Cut is the Deepest
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the
hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually
asked Tim, Hey Tim, what're you in for?
I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried, said Tim.
Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat
all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!
Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you?
What're you here for?
I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is, Sammy answered.
Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't
walk for two years!
Potential & Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come
back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars,
would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially,
we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two
sluts."
Ode to a Glow Worm
I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm's never glum.
It's hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!
Michael Jackson
What's the diffrence between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
The one is made of plastic and is dangerous to children, the other is for
carying groceries.
Toy Cars And Breastices
What do women's breasts and toy cars have in common?
They're meant for kids but dads end up playing with both!
The Leprechaun Of The Bathroom
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum,
there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his
teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said.
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he
had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent
home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent
to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad
got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."