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West Virginia Custody Battle
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An
old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court,
but custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had
brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.
The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence,
the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a
quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or
the machine?"
Dirty Tigger!
Why is Tigger always so dirty?
Because he plays with Pooh!
Barbie's Christmas Beau
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes
with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Little Johnny Gives to the Sick
Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt
nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn
and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see
you."
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned
to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young
face.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom.
Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE
SICK.''
The Mystery of Childbirth
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I
born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to
squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't
been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
The Little Fire Engine
A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the
street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever.
Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a
consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street
noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know,
son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's
neck.''
The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Father
You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school because you're both in
the same grade!
Kid and Animals
There was this teacher who was teaching young kids the different types of
animals, she showed them the picture of a giraffe, and asked them what it was.
Nobody answered..so she gave them a clue, ''It has a long neck.'' One kid
answered, "Giraffe!" Pleased, the teacher showed a picture of a zebra. Nobody
answered it again, so she gave them a clue. ''This animal has stripes.''
"Zebra!" one kid answered. So she put up another one, that of a deer. The
teacher could not think of a clue..but suddenly she came up with one!..she asked
them ''what does your mother call your father?'' Suddenly one child got up and
answered ''HORNY BASTARD!''
Blonde in the Third Grade
Three third graders were walking down the street: a redhead, brunnette, and a
blonde.
Which one had the best figure?
The blonde - she was 18.
Make a Sentence
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by
the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She
gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood
seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:
''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''
Kite Tails and Rejection
One day a father and son are flying a kite. The kite is going in circles and
crashing. The father comforts the son and the mother yells, ''You need more
tail!''
The father then tells the son, ''Son, I will never understand your mom. Last
night when we were having ''fun'', I asked her for more tail and she told me to
go fly a kite.''
Childhood Of Yore
I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules
didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at
the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
That''s No Raisin
A kid walks into a lunchroom at school and sees a fly on the table. He swats it
and leaves.
Abother kid walks in, sees the dead fly and says, “Hey, cool, wings.” So he
pulls off the wings and leaves.
Another kid comes in, sees the fly, and says, “Hey look! Legs!” So he pulls off
the legs and leaves.
A third kid comes in and he also sees the dead fly. He leans over to look at it
and pulls of its head.
Then the first kid comes back, sees it and says, “Hey, look, a raisin,” and he
eats it.
Telephone Operator's Proposal
How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
Red and Furry
What's red and furry and tackles people?
Tackle Me Elmo!
The Boss
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to
the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is
the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why
it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one.
He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer
incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
Late AGAIN
A kid was late for school one day.
"I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer," he explained to the
teacher.
"Couldn't your father have done that?"
"Sure, but the bull would have done a better job."
Wise Old Man
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high
school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after
day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they
banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of
fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a
dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a
sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my
income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to
beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and
continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached
them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not
going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to
waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way,
dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his
days.
Big Family
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment,
my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight
siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of
us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our
entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this
luggage belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''
The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons,
contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''
''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used
them by now.''
Goin'' to Church
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn''t
be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please son''t let me be late to church.
Please don''t let me be late to church....” And, as she was running she tripped
and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again, “Please, God don''t let me be late
to church -- but don''t shove me either!