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Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed
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People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is
that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the
new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the
formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to
consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing
him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
DAY ONE:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk
(3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow
(any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in
dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.
Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on
the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto
the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.
Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once
cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick
of mascara for dessert.
Lima
What did the lima bean say before it went into the pot?
Sufferin' succotash!
Bear and Toilet
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh!
Mommy, Mommy!
"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"
"Shut up and eat your corn flakes."
Jack And Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill both with a dollar and a quarter.
Jill came back down with two fifty.
Booger Wooger
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli!
Shut-up and Trouble
In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. These
boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One
time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble's ice-cream fell.
Trouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble
but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry.
A police officer pulled up and asked, “What's your name?”
“Shut-up.”
The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply.
Finally, he asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, “Boy,
are you looking for Trouble?”
And Shut-up said, “Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!”
Sex Education
One day a boy came home from school and his mother asked, ''What did you do
today, son?'' The boy replied, ''I learned a lot in Sex Education class.'' The
mother, thinking this to be a dirty joke, yelled at him and sent him to his
room. Later that day, the daughter comes home and the mother says to her,
''You'll never guess what! Your brother told me he learned a lot in Sex
Education class! I sent him to his room!'' ''Mom,'' the girl said, ''he really
does go to a sex education class. He wasn't lying'' The mother, feeling very
bady about the mixup, goes to the boy's room to apologize. She opens the door to
find him masturbating and she says, ''When you are done with your homework, come
out here, we have to talk.''
Some More Bad Children's Books
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with their Clothes Off!
Scab Football
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
1,001 Ways To Sterilize Daddy
Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear Gets Caught in a Fur Trap and has to Chew His
Own Leg Off to Escape
Substitutes for Penis Pumps -- A Boy's Key to Success
Dangerous Toys
What's Red and Orange and knocks you over?
Tackle me Elmo!
Baby Drink
How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.
Daddy, What Is Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She said, ''Daddy, what is sex?''
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if
she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a
straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.''
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth
hanging open.
Her father said, ''Why did you ask that question, honey?''
She replied, ''Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few
sex.''
Need a Push?
Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing.
A: She had no arms.
Curious George
What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George
broke a glass or a plate?
Spank his monkey.
Arkansas Scholars
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16
year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president
someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A:
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the
Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is
no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins
in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex
can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels
and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his
boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body
is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal
cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent
contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is
a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms.
They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be
eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A:
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the
Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is
no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins
in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex
can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels
and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his
boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body
is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal
cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent
contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is
a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms.
They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be
eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A:
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the
Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is
no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins
in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex
can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels
and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his
boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body
is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal
cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs,
and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent
contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is
a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms.
They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be
eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
Geometry
Teacher: John, give me a sentence using the word, "geometry."
John: Okay, there once was this little acorn. Then it grew and grew and woke one
day and said, ''Gee, I'm a tree.''
Hang Man
A boy comes running into the kitchen and says, "Mommy, mommy! Grandpa hanged
himself in the living room!"
His mother runs into the living room, and sees no one there. Angrily, she says,
"Listen. You should never lie like that to me again, do you understand!?!"
"I'm sorry," says the boy. "I was just kidding. He hanged himself in the
basement."
Discrimination
It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she
did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If
you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did.
Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox
with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the
teacher said. So Billy did.
Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but
Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.''
The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell
that, I'll give you a cookie.''
Checkout Conniption
A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her
cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and
her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption,
and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to
go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."
In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she
couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said
softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then
we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach
for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother
patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and
then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment
her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.
The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm
Missy."
Knock Knock... Old Lady
A) Knock knock
B) Who's there?
A) Old Lady
B) Old Lady, who?
A) I didn't know you could yodel!