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How do you Catch a
Squirrel?
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
Wedding Dress
A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"
"Because they're happy," the mom replied.
Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white
because they're happy, then why do grooms wear black?"
Daddy's Room
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small
boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
his voice, ''Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?''
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ''I can't dear,'' she said. ''I
have to sleep in daddy's room.''
A long silence was broken at last by his little voice. ''The big sissy.''
Oh, Goodness
Why'd the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
He saw the salad dressing!
Higher, Mommy!
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Big Trouble
A 6'4'' ninth grader was acting up in class.
His teacher looked at him and said, ''Act your age, not your shoe size''.
The boy looks down at his size 14 shoes, then says, ''But they're the same.''
Set Me On Fire
What do you call a doll on fire?
A Barbie-Q!
A Child's View of Retirement
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live
here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.
Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in
little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear
nametags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called
a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right
now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.
There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their
hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it.
He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can
sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody
cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some
of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my
Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot
luck."
My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I
wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse
won't let them out.
Close Enough For Government
3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and
catch it in his bare hands."
"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front
of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the state of
Florida. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."
Little Kid's Books
'You Were an Accident'
'Strangers Have the Best Candy'
'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'
'Some Kittens Can Fly!'
'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'
'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'
'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'
'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'
'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'
'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer
Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'
'All Dogs Go to Hell'
'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'
'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'
'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'
'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'
'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'
'Bi-Curious George'
'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'
'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'
'You Are Different and That's Bad'
'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'
Confessions Of Sodom
One Sunday, my priest asked if I could cover his Confession shift for him -- he
said it was easy, since he had a sin list inside the booth which listed both
sins and penance. I agreed and took the booth early on Sunday morning. Soon
people showed up.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."
"Adultery, eh?" I said. "You sly devil. That'll be three hail mary's, plus five
bucks."
"Thank you, Father." Another person came into the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."
"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 hail mary's, plus fourteen
bucks."
"Thank you, Father." This was easy, I thought. I can handle this. Another person
came into the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have commited the sin of butt-sex."
"Butt-sex, huh?" I looked at the list, but I didn't see butt-sex there. I
excused myself to see if I could get some help. I found a choir boy hanging out
on the steps of the church.
"Excuse me," I said. "What does Father Matthew give for buttsex?"
"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."
Orgy at Never Neverland
Q: How can you tell Michael Jackson's having an orgy at Never Neverland?
A: By all the Big Wheels parked outside!
The Answer
Teacher to student: Arnold what is the most popular answer to the teacher's
questions?
Arnold: I don't know ma'am.
Teacher: ''Correct!'''
Let Them Eat Homework
Why'd the boy eat his homework?
His teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
Poor Boy's Christmas
What does a poor boy get for Christmas?
Your bike!
Mom and Dad were trying to
console Suzie...
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up
in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
LSD Cocktail
Q: What do you get if you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Mr. Bubbles
Q: Do you remember blowing Mr.Bubbles when you was a kid?
A: Well, he called me last night and told me to tell you ‘hello’.
Test Tube Baby
Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby?
A: Your dad's a wanker.