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Legend of the Maidens
An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told
him the Legend of the Maidens.
The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and
crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes
quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time!"
Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: "Body of Naked
Auburn Student found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train."
Diet for Stress
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for This Diet
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are
canceled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than
they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy,
toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds,
buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories.
The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process
of preparing something.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are:
spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the
density of the caloric mass.
Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories
rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL
know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
Yo Mama's So Fat... Driver's
License
Yo mama is so fat that her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."
Bush Gets Testy
Q: What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.
One-Armed Jock
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not
showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death
in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room
asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and
sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
Losin' It
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy
lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and
says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your
virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I
love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
Babe Watch
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment
when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the
skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and
can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you
want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull
slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."
Chemistry, Duke and Bonkistry
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by
Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry".
He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with
something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did
pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that
going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going
into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final
was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends
up there.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and
everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until
early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor
Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told
him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in
time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a
spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the
following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told
them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet
and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and
solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be
easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however,
for what they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE? (95 points)
Worst Comments to Get on Your
Finals
10. See me after class.
9. Did you even read the material?
8. It's a C, but it's a strong C.
7. Fascinatingly convoluted.
6. My, what nice, big margins!
5. You must've been up all last night.
4. The book ends differently than the movie.
3. Spelling requires more than just sounding it out.
2. Are you familiar with the term "plagiarism"?
1. Tell your mom to try harder.
The Engineer and the Bike
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did
you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Stoopit Pickup Lines
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you
right here!
2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming
too.
6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the
afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all
night!!
Breast Milk Mustache
A question had appeared in a student's medical examination which read: "List
four benefits of breast milk." A student began to answer the question: 1. No
need to bottle it. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. But
the fourth point eluded him.
When there were barely a couple of minutes before the exam ended, the fourth
point flashed before his mind. So he completed the answer by writing: 4.
Available in attractive containers.
Summer School for Slackers
Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about it. In order to keep money
flowing into our institution we've created a summer program that any slacker
could pass.
New Course Offerings for the Summer Session: THEORIES OF TIC-TAC-TOE: Should you
pick X or O? The answer isn't as complicated as you might think once you've
learned the theory. Learn techniques that the pros use, and play with
confidence. Pre-Requisite: the movie "War Games"
THE DECLINE OF ROMAN ORGASMS: What happened to the pleasure of the Roman woman
after 33 A.D.? Using archeological evidence and experiences from her own
marriage, Dr. Lisa Cecil uncovers an entire era of faking it. Pre-Requisite:
Bitter Relationship
DRAWING CONCLUSIONS: Using our creative instinct to doodle on things labeled
"work," we'll literally draw conclusions. Pre-Requisite: Motor Skills
MUSIC TO THE EARS: Like the Sound of Music? How about the sound of doing nothing
for two hours a day for credit? Pre-Requisite: FOOD TO THE STOMACH also, be on
the lookout for . . .
THE ORIGINS OF BEGINNINGS -- An Introductory Course THUMBS UP, THUMBS DOWN:
post-modern film criticism THE ECONOMICS OF ARCADES: finding change for a dollar
THE STATISTICS OF POLLS -- A survey course.
Authentic Grafitti
Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have
trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up
with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Signs You Have a Hangover
You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay
still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass
of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying
in a fetal position.
The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give
it whirl!"
All day long your motto is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
Moms and Their Snooping
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's
room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know
that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's
room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know
that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my
daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside
cabinet: a packet of condoms!"
I didn't even know that she had a penis!
Orgasm-isms
A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed
to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it
under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the
professor what they were.
"Those are sperm cells."
Signs you are a loser
1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it.
2. All the numbers in your little black book start with "1-900."
3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami
Club.
4. You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep.
5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of "pillow talk."
6. Your personal ad reads: "Seeking Anybody."
7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with
the phrase "Who cares?"
8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.
9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric,
"Put your right foot in, take your right foot out."
10. You spent last summer following around the 2000 Bible Belt Trekkie
Convention Tour.
Jock vs. Nerd
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes
$178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while
he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have
to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred
account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m.
on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and
about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago
restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for
all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have
less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
Harvard, Yale, and Urinal
Etiquette
A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention.
The Harvard graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?"
The Yale grad responded, "They taught us not to piss on our hands."