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Signs You Should Join
E-Mailers Anonymous
10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way
back to bed.
9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness,
as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child
in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the
free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.
Mouse Hole
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a
friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the
same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in
their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means
getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm
having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."
Pre-Med Upstart
As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a
difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly
complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to
learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save
lives?" he persisted.
"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the
professor.
Bad Girls vs Good Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by
loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one
bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it
better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls
think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''
Times When the F-word Was
Appropriate
People get really upset when you use the "F" word. So much so, that I can't even
write the full word out, but have to referto it as the "F" word. However,
despite what many educators, and pious people believe, there are times when the
"F" word just makes sense. And that is why we are bringing you ... TIMES WHEN
THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the F was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer"
Any F'ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
"It does so F'ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
"How the F did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered F'ing showers my ass." -- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F'ing hole in my head." -- John F. Kennedy
"Who the F is going to know? " -- Bill Clinton
College Entrance Exam: For
Football Players
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the
first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu
(d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the
1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners
(C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the
Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
Jane's Dirty Mind
Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question.
He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?”
Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I
know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher replied, “Yes, very good Jimmy.”
The the teacher turned to Jane and said, “Jane I have three things to say to
you: One -- you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard
enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!”
Crappy Date
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and
also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage
to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like
Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make
it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running
to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date,
because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in
Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use
the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he
has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During
dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a
complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling
subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little
bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh
shit,' he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our
hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this
surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to
figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to
show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the
restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. 'Do you mind if I run in and
buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?' he asks. 'No problem, I'd like
to look around too,' she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap,
men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split
up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings
both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on theother side of
the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't
even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date
can read lips from 40 feet away) 'Just the pants.' 'What?' asks the Gap girl.
'Just the pants!' (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: 'Oh, OK.' He pays
for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the
middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to
the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train
departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a
ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the
Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION.
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So
he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the
fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching
over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether. Rather than going through the
absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an
elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom
until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train
starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as
quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the
train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester.
He hasn't seen the girl since.
U. Michigan/Ohio State
An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician student walked into the embalming room where
a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the
procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled
it over he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled out
the cork and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of
the guy's butt. Shaken by what had happened he quickly shoved the cork back into
it's original resting place.
He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you
won't believe what I discovered!"
Annoyed by the interruption, he said, "Let's take a look at this astounding
discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so
he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. Upon hearing the
University of Michigan fight song he quickly replaced the cork in the cadavers
butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of
assholes sing that song!"
Student Nurse
How is the modus operandi of a cowardly, nynmphomanical student nurse in a
mental ward like part of a hardware store?
She screws nuts and bolts!
If Resumes Told the Truth
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking
attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television
programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and
staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and
borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill
that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from
purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose
all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
Blonde Alumna
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"
Signs you're watching too much
TV
The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"
In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.
You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.
In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest
informercial.
If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jer-ry!"
You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"
Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade.
You have a gold-plated "clicker."
Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.
After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.
OSU
An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where
a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the
procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled
it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it
out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the
guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original
resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you
must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this
astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so
he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork
in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard
thousands of assholes sing that song!"
You Might Be A Redneck...Senior
Year
You might be a redneck if you consider the fifth grade your senior year!
Creative Writing
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder
whose it is?"
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Prom
You might be a redneck if your senior prom had daycare.
Christian Drugs
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to
solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and
fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very
well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the
door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"
Lightbulb... Harvard
How many Harvard girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's Radcliffe. It's women. And it's not funny!
SEX CONTRACT
I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of
friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange
for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not return
to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or
vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and
nights after said activities have been fulfilled. I also surrender all rights to
propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria from myself and
friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger. I
will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral,
tone. I will also upon completion of heretofore listed activities not leave
underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying
about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole purpose of
returning to said abode and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document.
I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not
call said co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on
some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer
shorts or robe. I will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after
prescribed activity.
Signed,
_____________________________________
Fornicator At Large