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Professor of Dirty Jokes
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one
particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next
time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he
walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the
shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for
the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until
tomorrow!”
Clemson U., S. Carolina and N.
Carolina
Three guys were captured in Iraq as American spies and were about to be
executed. One had graduated from the University of South Carolina, one from the
University of North Carolina, and one from Clemson University.
They were about to be executed when the USC grad remembered that Iraqis were
afraid of natural disasters. Right before they were about to shoot him, he
yelled, 'Earthquake!' The Iraqis ran and the the USC grad escaped.
Later, when the UNC grad was about to be executed, he remembered what the USC
grad had done, and he yelled, 'Flood!' All the Iraqis ran and the UNC grad
escaped.
The Clemson grad realized what the two had done and planned to do the same. When
the time came for his execution, he confidently yelled, 'Fire!'
Pleasure vs. Disgrace
The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and
remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the
school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth
a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it
last an hour?"
Southern University Psychology
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending
their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from
Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of
woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ".
Corpsalicious!
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the
professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First:
Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus
and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus,
I licked my index finger.''
Big Ten Alumni Mountain Climbing
Trip
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different
Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their
alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal
of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they
reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting,
"This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain
proclaiming, "This is for Northwestern!"
Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!!!" and
pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
Professor of Logic
A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get
acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a
living.
The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh
yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor reponds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?''
proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard,
so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must
have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your
married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he
has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"
Grasshopper Biology
A biology class student conducted an experiment on what would happen to a
grasshopper if its legs were taken off.
He pulled off one of its legs and yelled 'hop!', and the grasshhoper hopped.
Then he took another leg and yelled 'hop!' and the grasshopper hopped. Then he
took all of its legs and yelled 'hop!' but the insect did not hop. He yelled
again, but the insect did not hop.
So he came to the conclusion that when all the legs of a grasshopper are
removed, it will become deaf.
Student takes off his pants
A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares
at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and
throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.
The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?
"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the
questions in brief.''
Signs Your Amish Teen's In
Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
Survival of the Fittest Brain
Cells
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained or even
improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way,
the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through
which the electrical signals pass.
Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol
kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of
this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend
parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short
years of completing university studies and then getting married and settling
down, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious
alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved
during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we
should not shudder in our homes. But get back into the bars and pubs and quaff
that pint! Your company and your country needs you to be at your peak, and at
your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career opportunities that you
could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Take life by the bottle and
be all that you can be! And remember a good cold beer will kill those bad,
useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make the necessary
room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to perform
at their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!
Lightbulb <----> Law Professor
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Random Acts of Stupidity Roundup
Curators at India's Baroda Museum reported irreparable damage to a priceless
3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaning person who apparently
opened the mummy's case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removed ancient dust,
peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages.
An anti-logging protester from radical Earth First! was killed near Fortuna, CA,
when one of the trees fell on him.
In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for the Italian Gattinoni fashion house
announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a blue two-piece suit there during
an October “Roma Outsize” fashion show in Milan. She'll supposedly get $470,000,
half of which will go to charity.... Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored
skin-tight “condom dress” decorated with Viagra pills.
Saturday in Beaumont TX a 20-minute halftime brawl erupted between the Southern
University and Prairie View A&M marching bands as the formations passed each
other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000 tubas were bent, and
one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing.
Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting
retail discount outlets.
October's National Geographic will be the magazine's first with a scent strip.
It's a scientific recreation of Cleopatra's perfume.
Taxi Fare
A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough
room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?"
The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.
Out Of College
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your potted plants stay alive.
Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
You have to pay your own credit card bill.
You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8:00 a.m. is not early.
You have to file your own taxes.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You're not carded anymore.
You carry an umbrella.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
You start watching the Weather Channel.
Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
You go to parties that the police don't raid.
Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.
You refer to college students as kids.
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well,
some of us still drink rum.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.
College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie — the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV
News.
METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down like I
used to."
Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
You decide your parents weren't as dumb as you thought!
Amsterdam Semester Abroad
Possible Courses:
ESSENTIALS OF BONG DESIGN: Discover earth, water, wind, and fire as the tools
you'll need to get rid of your syllabus... some killer hashish.
SMUGGLING 101: Who says the party's over? Years of commerce have made this
Northern culture an expert at turning a rectum into a set of luggage.
MEDIEVAL CONDOM USE: Even Sir Lancelot had a rash. Discover how centuries of
crotch scratchers protected their privates with specially designed shields.
THE DEVELOPMENT OF PUKE: Our native-born instructors take students from heaving
to hurling.
ARCHITECTURE OF EARLY MODERN BROTHELS: With the aid of walking tours and guest
hooker lecturers.
Thousands of foreign students are discovering the joyous wonder of learning
about another culture while being stoned off their ass! Just listen to what
these former students had to say: "Yeah, man." -- Sully, 20 "Amsterdam was...
dude, I'm really hungry." -- Daphne Ocampo, 19
Bubba and Tiny Go on Probation
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big
game the following week.
The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had
a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he
needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder.
“Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around
to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba,
you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and
started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the
shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled
‘E-I-E-I-O’.”
Psychology Class
A college psychology class was studing human reaction to sexual stimulus and of
special interest was the frequency of amorous relations.
''How many students here,'' said the professor, ''engage more than once a
week?''
Five people raised their hands.
''And how many engage once a week?''
Ten hands went up.
''How many twice a month?''
Eight hands went up.
''Once a month?''
Four hands were raised.
''And how may once a year?''
A little guy in the back waved his hand frantically and giggled hysterically.
''If you engage only once a year,'' said the professor, ''I don't see what
you're so overjoyed about.''
Flush with excitement, the little guy said, ''Yeah, but tonight's the night!''
Signs You've Been Partying Too
Much
1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.
2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically
cry out "In da' house!"
3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.
4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for
techno and grinding.
5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."
6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."
7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright shit."
8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.
9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would
look if you were on ecstasy.
10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."
Clinton's Final Four Picks
What were Bill Clinton's Final Four picks?
Morehead State, Ball State University, Brigham Young University, and Oral
Roberts University.