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Law School Graduation Gift
Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.
Sorortiy sister, nympho & hooker
What's the difference between a hooker, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority sister?
The hooker says, ''Are you done already?''
The nympho says, ''Oh no! You're not done already!?''
The sorority sister says, ''Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.''
Einsteinium
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One
day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked
exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after
dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech
since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech
perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and
asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't
answer
"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer
it!"
Science Project
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls
Science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to
alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our
environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or
total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.” And for plenty of good
reasons:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component of acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
He asked fifty people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical,
“dihydrogen monoxide” was water. The title of his prize winning project was,
“How Gullible are We?” He feels the conclusion is obvious.
How Annoy Your Roommate
1. Blast the Phantom of the Opera at midnight and sign along with it at the top
of your lungs.
2. Smile at the walls constantly and talk and laugh with them.
3. When he/she says, "Is it hot out?" Look puzzled and put on your winter
jacket.
4. Pick up the phone even when it is not ringing.
5. Stare at the mirror and start laughing at it. Hey, laugh really hard ok?
6.Talk to the goldfish about fat cats lurking around. Then laugh aloud, happy
that you have scared it.
7. Pretend to be angry and bang the table hard AND loud. Later apologise for the
hurt and grief caused to the table. Be sincere and write a letter of apology to
the table.
8. Ask him/her the time constantly. Every 5 minutes. All night too.
9. Roll around the room and behave like a cat. Lick yourself and scratch the
floor. Play with a ball of yarn and eat only fish. Meow loudly at him/her when
he/she talks to you.
10. Buy underpants for him/her and say, "Now we can share!"
Tenessee Football Player
How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?
There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Scary Stages of College
You know you're in trouble when...
1. The McDonald's people know you by name from late night study breaks.
2. You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54% to pass the
final than you have actually spent studying.
3. The college drunk confronts you and says: "Don't you think you should get to
work now?"
4. Your study schedule is based on the rationale that you "might" actually die
before the test!
5. Your parents inquire about your grades and you sing the Cookie Monster song:
"C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."
6. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my
back, b*#%h!"
Shree Hill
The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw
that she was missing three boys and one girl.
After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher
asked where he was. He said, "Shree Hill."
Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was.
He also said, "Shree Hill."
Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had
been. And he said, "On top of Shree Hill."
Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?"
And she said, "Shree Hill."
Drinking Game: Big Lebowski
The way this game works is every time the word f**k is used (in any form, ex.
f**king, f**ker, etc.), or the word dude (in any form, ex. "his dudeliness, the
dudester, etc.) is used, you take a drink. If you've seen the movie, you'll know
that after five minutes of playing, you should be dialing 9-1-1. The main
character's name is "Dude" and swearing, especially with the f-word, is quite
excessive. Because both dude and f**k are used so much during the movie that we
altered the rules to include that you can choose to only drink when one or the
other word is said.
I can promise you this: Playing this game makes the movie make a lot more sense.
Harvard Graduate
How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Two retired professors were
vacationing
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the
Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun
set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky
wicker chairs."
Harvard Lightbulb
How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One -- he stands still and the world revolves around him.
Sex and class
The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to
stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange
for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and
give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her
about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom!
You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a woman!"
10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd
10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and
authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing
games.
8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.
6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they
can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.
Law School for Nuns
What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A sister-in-law.
Blonde's Finals
A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she received the
test, she was relieved to find out that it was a True or False exam.
Immediately, she reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she
flipped the coin she would write down an answer. "What are you doing?" the
professor asked her. "I'm figuring out the answers," the blonde replied.
To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away. When she was done,
the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go. "Oh my god!"
she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible.
USC U L8R
Why don't people from the University of Southern California celebrate Christmas?
Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
Geometry Humor, Baby
What was the geometry student looking for at the beach?
A tangent.
Two fraternity brothers...
Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost.
After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp
floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor
condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish
the ocean was made of beer."
Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
Fratboy
What do you call a fratboy in a suit?
The defendant.