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Knock Jokes!!!
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
I know it's you.
Crap.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A talking pig.
Pigs can’t talk.
Neither can penguins, but I can’t shut him up! Wait till you get a load of the
dancing candelabra…
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You want to buy a kitten?
You want to buy a kitten who?
Make pretty pet.
I’m allergic to cats.
Taste good, too?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You sure you don’t want buy a little kitten?
Yes, I’m sure.
Could make one cute fuzzy glove?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ted Bundy
Ted Bundy who?
Let me in, meat!
No!
I mean… Hello I am Santa Claus.
Yay! Santa!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile.
Saddam, I think it’s for you!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Gandalf the Gray Wizard, friend to hobbits and elves!
Dork-ass loser.
Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
My mouth is full of spiders.
My mouth is full of spiders who?
I didn’t kill the baby. It was made out of popcorn. Popcorn baby! I need a
bucket - my knuckles are melting…
Man, you have got to lay off the cough syrup.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hitler
Hitler who?
Hitler: German, dictator, mass murderer. Little mustache? One testicle? “HEIL
ME!” Ring a bell?
I thought you were someone else.
How is that possible? There is only ONE HITLER!
Nope. Went to school with a Nelson Hitler.
You’re just trying to annoy me now.
Do you really have just one testicle?
You’d think I miss it, but I don’t
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
What, and that makes you special?
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes. .
Rejected US Army Slogans
"Kill All That You Can Kill"
"Shower With Men"
"Knock Up Foreign Broads"
"All The Grits You Can Eat"
"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
"Cubicles Are For Wusses"
"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"
"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
"Beat Up Sailors"
"We Won''''''''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"
"Don''''t Ask, Don''''t Tell, Don''''t Accessorize"
“Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
"Play Doom… For Real!"
"Sure Beats Lurnin''''''''!"
"Because Terminators Are Real"
College Grads
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign
Lands
By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”
FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”
ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”
POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”
GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”
TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”
KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”
CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”
ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”
SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”
YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics
And Dust' ?”
INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”
ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your
pregnant son!”
CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”
SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”
SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”
MEXICO
“What's that smell?”
SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”
RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”
UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”
GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”
JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”
AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”
AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”
Once there was a blonde who
wanted to prove ...
Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to people that she wasn't just a
dumb blonde. So she asked her friend "how could I show people I'm not just a
dumb blonde?"
Her friend says, "First learn all the provinces and their capitals."
So that week the blonde learned them. The next week she was at a party and a man
asked a question. The blonde says, "I know the anwser!"
Then the man said " What would you know? You're just a dumb blonde?"
Then the blonde says, "I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde, I know all
the provinces and their capitals."
Then the man said, " Okay, Saskatchewan."
The blonde started to grin.
"What are you grinning about?" said the man.
The blonde said, "Easy. S."
What did the blonde say after
...
What did the blonde say after college?
"Will that be paper or plastic?"
Job Fair
A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose.
"Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the
geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were
right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered
'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
Cereal Killer
Q: What is the difference between Cheerios and Georgia Tech?
A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.
What do u do if a blond...
Q: What do u do if a blond throws a grenade at u?
A: Pick it up and take the pin out and throw it back at her
I Bet You Can't...
A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the everyone. The bar tender asks if
he even has enough money. The man says, "I am a professional gambler, I bet you
a hundred dollars I can bite my eye." The bartender agrees, so the man takes out
his fake eye and bites it. The man then says, "I bet a hundred more dollars that
I can bite my other eye. The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out his false
teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender pays him and says, "My bar is
packed, you still don't have enough money to buy shots for the house." The man
asks the bartender to take one more bet. The man then says, "I bet 600 dollars
that I can piss in that bottle over there without a lick going out." The
bartender laughs in disbelief and agrees to the bet. The man begins pissing all
over the bartender who laughs again. The bartender says, "You better pay up now,
you just took a bad bet." The man replies, "No, not really. I just bet those
guys over there a thousand bucks that i can piss all over you and still make you
laugh."
Lord of the Jokes
Q: What did the hobbit say to the elf?
A: You better come and hide in the Shire before the geeks create a movie so they
can spend late nights sitting around watching hours of video in costumes with
hair on their feet in hopes of creating a safe haven of some kid named Oliver’s
basement from the cold and lonely world, which only seems to shun them for the
modest layer of tape around their glasses.
4th and Goal
Q:What’s funnier than kicking a zombie baby wide left from the 10 yard line?
A: Running it in for a touchdown and spiking it in the ground only to have it
stand up and chase after you with grass in its mouth, making donkey noises.
Inside out
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: BMW's have the pricks on the inside.
Take a seat
Men are like toilets, they're either taken, unavaliable, taking a piss or just
full of shit.
California
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.
Trash talking
Q: What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Chicago Bears
Finder's keepers
There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head. They were all sitting in a hair
salon talking about their daughters. The brunette says, "I was lookin throuh my
daughter's purse and I found a pack of cigarettes! Do you believe that my
daughter smokes!! So then the redhead says, "Oh my gosh, I was looking through
my daughter's purse and i found alcohol! Do you believe she's been drinking!! So
then the blond says "I was looking through my daughter's purse and I found a
condom! Do you believe my daughter has a penis?!"