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Bought a bad computer
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The
screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual
contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito.
You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous
paperweight collection.
Internet addictions
Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)
As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been
increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group
(IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis
of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.
A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant
impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following,
occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
Diagnostic Criteria
(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve
satisfaction
(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on
Internet
(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following
(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome
(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and
prolonged.
(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month
after Criterion 1:
(a) psychomotor agitation
(b) anxiety
(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet
(d) fantasies or dreams about Internet
(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers
(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social,
occupational or other important other area of functioning
(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or
avoid withdrawal symptoms.
(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than
was intended
(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control
Internet use
(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g.,
buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet
vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials
(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or
reduced because of Internet use.
(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or
recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is
likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital
difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational
duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)
Ethical software group
SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"
New York, NJ, Nov. 11 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS)
announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the
group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies
like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS.
"Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and
arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are
assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources
report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend
their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously
deleted when they're not needed anymore." Granola said the software is kept in
unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant
Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without
resorting to software testing.
PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software
programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.
Internet highway blues
The Information Highway Blues
My baby's got my 486.
My cellular phone's on the blink.
My fax's gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
I lost my account on the Internet.
My email's been revoked.
My modem's stuck at 300 baud,
And my terminal just blinks.
I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .
I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.
My head spins from Virtual Reality.
I don't have Video on demand.
I can't read my Personal Newspaper,
And Shop At Home has kinks.
I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.
Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.
The computer prayer
Our Morning Prayer . . .
Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Amen.
Surfing the Internet
Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright
the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face
so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit
I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died
"simply unpredictable these
computers are!" I cried
"So we'll get you a new one
a computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder
when the new one acts the same?
User song and music
User
(To the tune of Beck's "Loser")
In the day of sysop nerds I was a flunkie
Jolt in my brains and body feeling chunky
With the plastic mouse balls spray paint the Commodore
System install with the hard drive on the floor
Kill the process and put it in /dev/null
Email flaming with the user hitting D-control
Shell's called Reno and it's written in C
Got a couple of xterms, keys set to repeat
Root came sayin' I'm insane to complain
About an online wedding and a stain on my screen
Don't believe everything that you make(1)
You get a cracker from Europe and a login that's fake
So write your code in Perl in the dark
Saving all your hacks for working at a tech park
Yo - punch it
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Double dense floppy)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
Forces of evil in a MUD/MOO nightmare
Ban all the members in a phony #chat channel 'cause
One's got a handle and the other's got a .plan
One online spammed the other and ran
With the FTP and the insane print job
The daytime crap of the alt.test slob
He hung himself with a call to ping
Twenty milliseconds and it's spitting out another string
RTFM if you can't relate
Trade the Sun for a car and the Web for a date
And MIME is a nifty hack for mailing to a newbie
That's choking on my MPEGs
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Get crazy with the caps lock)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Drive-by BIFF post)
...
Yo, bring it on down
...
I'm a hacker, I'm a winner
Program's gonna work, I can feel it
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(I can't retrieve you)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(NULL)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Sprecken sie DOS, eh, baby)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Know what I'm typin'?)
-- Kevin Hughes * kevinh@eit.com
Night before Christmas
The Night Before Christmas
A festive holiday poem by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a DIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Gender and computers
Gender and Computers
Top nine reasons computers must be male:
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter
Top nine reasons computers must be female:
Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.
Definition of Windows
Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95
Windows95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating
system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company,
that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
The power of shifting
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift
keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them
out?
A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at
the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your fingers.
Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?
A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this
feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen
Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something
naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In
Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but
don't say I didn't warn you.
Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters
and punctuation
A: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps
your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe
you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also
consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with
lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q: I pressed shift and its stuck down now
A: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation.
First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling
as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub
thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool.
Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld
blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to
clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q: Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
labelled "hif"?
A: Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your
hands more frequently for that matter.
Q: Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A: Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with
an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be
thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them
confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q: I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is
there any other way to do this?
A: This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the
shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your
computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word
"shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard
closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat
this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before
the feature works reliably.
Q: There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A: Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two.
Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts.
Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make
little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better
to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
Q: Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A: They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears
much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because
of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at
night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a
distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my
computer explode?
A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100
terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it.
Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the
problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these
keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness.
Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.
100 Buckets of Bits
100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus
...
AOL addiction poem
My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart,
and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I
can find.
I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got
to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a
Psycho here and she has got to go!"
Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my
wrists and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"
I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How
low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!
Microsoft versus GM
Microsoft vs. GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes,
but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new
car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and
you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would
accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five
times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the
roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their
cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "geBneral
car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.